‘Well, they can’t all be nuts . . .’
I want my writing to make more sense than it seems to make. But that’s how this trip is: it doesn’t make any sense.
And yet, we know it to be true. On page 16, Ram Dass says, “It’s intuitively valid. Inside you know it’s right.” And so must everything be that shows up on this page tonight. I’ve written this post more times over the last few days than I care to recall. Attempting to plan. Ha!
So as I hear this beautiful song that comes on my Pandora (Devi 2000 singing “Camp Ma Rama”), let’s let this flow . . .
[I wrote these notes on some post-its today while at work at the psych hospital.]
We’re all hallucinating all the time.
****
The point is not to feel better; it is to feel. The depth of this moment is all there is and our folly is to attempt to escape this. We will never be away from the now. [This is how we must die. To every sensation but this moment. To past, to future, to thoughts that think past and future exist at all.]
Scary? Go ahead and be scared. There’s the paradox — having the courage to be scared. I mean, what did I expect, taking on a process such as this? And these processes . . . am I willing to look into that mirror? Whose face will I see back?
****
“Turn around and look at yourself. ” That’s the order we’re being given. “And see who you truly are.” It’s what we’re asking for. By picking up this book and this project, boy are we asking for it.
And I see Ram Dass’s face in the hand-held mirror, and Zach asks, “Who are you now?” and there we are.
****
I’ve written well over a thousand words for this post and have erased all but about 300 at this point. When I get into the pages and into myself, there’s not that much to say.
Once those veils are pulled away, in this human’s experience, there is emptiness and stillness and total aliveness and it can be very, very quiet.
And it can sound like Jerry Garcia’s guitar.
I have faith and I feel it from inside. There’s nothing rational about it.
I watch the circumstances of my life that sometimes look really fucked.
But even to write that I know that what I’ve just written doesn’t make any sense either. How can what is be fucked? How can anything ever be wrong? Now is now. It just is.
See, I’m really grateful for that intuitive knowing that I have, the knowing, that is so far beyond language that I praise the writers and teachers who have been able to express these pointers: Ram Dass, Rumi, Eckhart Tolle . . .
Without having their guidance, I might think I was even crazier than I already do. I know some other people think I am. I’m pretty sure we all are. Maybe the people in the psych hospital just don’t have a context for what they’re experiencing.
I can’t describe it because it is infinite and uncontainable. It is absolutely everything and it is all right now and it feels really nice and calm and peaceful and I’ll tell you what, boy howdy, sometimes it’s all I have to fall back on. And it never let’s me down.
To know this is faith. To understand that we are always kept in the arms of the Divine Mother. May we go deeply enough during the wild times that we continue to know this truth. Yes, it’s easy to sense the truth when I’m turning on in one of these specific ways (falling in love, yoga, being around a realized being), but what about when everything seems fucked?
Yep. That’s it. Exactly. Right there. Right here.
Peace, y’all.
For more writing from Carin (aka Carina ShantiOm), please visit www.nowstayopen.com.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Rumi: “Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded. Someone sober will worry about events going badly. Let the lover be.”
August 24th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
“See, I’m really grateful for that intuitive knowing that I have, the knowing, that is so far beyond language that I praise the writers and teachers who have been able to express these pointers: Ram Dass, Rumi, Eckhart Tolle . .
Without having their guidance, I might think I was crazy, too. ”
And I did for a looooonnnng time….. now I “know”, yet I have a hard time putting into words what I know, so I just feel it believe it and do my best to live it!
Thank you for saying what you said, it all makes more sense all the time…. then it doesn’t and I get to find my way to catching up with it all over again… ahhh the joy of the ‘journey’!!
Love love love!!!
August 24th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
“The point is not to feel better; it is to feel”…what would I have done without these words today, Carin? Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I seem to spend so much time making myself and those around me try to feel better, for what? We aren’t supposed to be these plastic humans with smiles glued to our faces all the time. If only we could see the beauty in the tears, in the losses, then ahhh…that is where the stillness lies.
Thank you Carin, and everyone on this team, for helping me wake up.
And thanks to all you readers to helping all of us on this team wake up as well!
Love to all of you!
August 24th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
I’ve been enjoying reading the posts that you all are writing. I’ve even pulled out my copy of BHN and am reading along.
Thank you for the Rumi quote here. A wonderful reminder to let go.
August 25th, 2010 at 12:37 am
“I can’t describe it because it is infinite and uncontainable”.
YES!!
I know I can’t ever come close to finding the words to describe ‘it’ but I know also that “it never let’s me down.”
Thanks Carin. Your post touched on so many things that I feel too.
I admire how willing you are to so bravely dig deep inside yourself.
August 25th, 2010 at 3:55 am
Yep, That’s it. Exactly.
Thanks for writing it down so beautifully to remind us all!
August 25th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Thanks to my friend Jeff London who posted this:
A moth flying into the flame
with its wingfire says, “Try this!”
—J. Rumi
August 25th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
(Can you hear my heart Screaming?)
I sooooooooooooo LOVE YOU, CARIN CHANNING, whoEvery yOu aRe!
(Can you hear my heart crooning?)
sooooooo In Love WITH you, babe
cuz i know you R IN IN IN ~ holding me too
(Can you hear the silence of my heArt?)
as U come OUT OUT OUT
………….Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………..from the deths….. Besos, deniese
August 25th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Sanity is overrated Carin. A good friend of mine says “i live on the edge. that’s where all the action is”
August 25th, 2010 at 11:35 pm
the leading edge, as a friend reminded me (quoting Abraham).
we lovers can’t help it.
August 25th, 2010 at 11:47 pm
Oh my gosh, a friend of mine just posted this song on FB: “I’m a Nut”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqsauoDmgDo&feature=player_embedded#!
August 27th, 2010 at 6:25 am
Haha! “Sanity is overrated.” I love it. I literally just read this after posting at the end of today’s post that “I’m not so sure there is a center . . ” Boy does ‘sanity (center) is overrated’ resonate sometimes!
Jon