I am okay with this moment…in fact, I kind of like it
When I first read Be Here Now, I put little sticky tabs on all the pages that touched me deeply. I do not know why I did this, because by the time I was done, I had marked almost every page, save maybe 10 or 15. After I was done reading the book, I left all the tabs in it. I have re-read the book probably 20 or so times, and always had those darn sticky things in there. After a while, I noticed that if I came to an unmarked page, I would read through it much quicker than if it were marked, and not give it much thought. So I decided to remove the tabs. But I remember that page 40 was unmarked. I never let my soul soak in what page 40 had said. When I read it the other day, I wanted to cry! Ouspensky touched me directly in my heart when he said:
“If man gives way to all his desires, or panders to them, there will be no inner struggle, in him, so ‘friction’ no fire. But if, for the sake of attaining a definite aim, he struggles with the desires that hinder him – he will then create a fire which will gradually transform his inner world into a single whole”
Melt my heart Ouspensky. So it is okay that on this spiritual journey, I often feel great despair? I am not supposed to feel blissful all the time? You mean this pain is actually doing something? *sigh of relief*
I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed in these past few days. My husband left to work on a fire (he works for the Forest Service), and so I am home alone with my kids for the next 2 weeks. It is hard work! There are moments when I feel like I am going to just fall apart. So I have been really working with these moments. Why do I feel like this? It is simple, and it comes down to one word:
I have been in a constant state of desiring things to be other than they are. I desire my husband to be here to help me, and being that there is no way to fulfill that, I am suffering! So now, after noticing an anxious moment creep up, I stop, and just let myself become okay with the moment, not wanting to change it. Once I can find that place, it feels so good! I can now look at this situation as a great opportunity to get my calm center going.
This state of existence is so impermanent! It is amazing as to what we get hung up on. Let’s break out of these self imposed prisons. Once we can take life less seriously, the game gets kind of fun. Instead of being stressed out over taking care of my children, I rejoice in the beauty of each moment with them, because this trip I get to spend with them is so short!
LOVE LOVE LOVE!
Oh, and if I still marked pages, I would definitely mark page 40.