It’s all very dreamy
It’s a cool night in Austin tonight, a marked difference from the scorch of summer, half a blink away. I have my windows open and face a room swept clean today. I swept all the rooms in the house and did some straightening. There’s space in here tonight.
Tomorrow the Guest arrives.
When Andrew left the last time, I lay on my couch and heard a Rumi poem, and I saw that he was like Shams to me. The Beloved of lore. It’s several months later now, and he’s en-route; his next flight is from Auckland to San Francisco. I envy him the travel. I envy touching down at SFO.
Today I bought some sausage that he likes and Reese’s Cups and new editions of some heavy metal magazines. I felt happy to do it, and I have no idea what I’m doing. This is different from last time.
I’m not riding the oxcytocin wave of romance that brought us together last time, beautiful and righteous as it was. I’m simply here, curious.
I have no prediction of the next moment. I’m fascinated by this experience. I remember driving to the airport the last time he came to town, which was also the first time. (And the first time we’d seen each other in eighteen years.)
I felt nervous on the ride and knew that I just did not know what to expect. That kind of clarity can riddle a person with anxiety, or it can wake you up.
We really never do know what to expect. Yet somehow we’re mostly just dozingly cruising through our world. Leaving the house and driving to work. Eating. Showering. We act like each moment isn’t completely new.
We have no idea, ever, what’s going to happen. We’re sleepwalking through the movie.
My only job is to wake up.
My friend Erik recently married a woman from another country so I’d asked him for some suggestions on the process. This is what he wrote:
And as far as marriage goes, I’ll share with you the biggest lesson I’ve learned which is that: the ONLY purpose for it that works is to use it as a classroom for my own spiritual maturation… not the other person’s, mind you, but solely my own! (It’s VERY tempting to spot the ego in the other and try to get THEM to mature spiritually, but just trust me… it NEVER works!) Lol…
A good warning for me. I know that if I feel uncomfortable, I’m likely to seek fault in my mate, projected from my own sleepy, delusional mind.
In Be Here Now this week, Ram Dass writes:
I CAN DO NOTHING FOR YOU BUT WORK ON MYSELF . . .
Neither this man who’s flying across the world tonight nor I know what we’re in for. But we are open to the river of faith, and this is simply where we are. He was lovingly (and with impressive efficiency and focus) compelled to come here, and I am here to receive him. Life is like this for me: unpredictable, fast-changing, wondrous. When I watch the movie, I’m just curious, smiling in fascination.
It’s all very dreamy.
For more writing from Carin (aka Carina ShantiOm), please visit
September 21st, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I got chills all up my arms G reading this. The door is open and the cool air is coming in my little living room. I thought it was the chill coming in (chill in Austin!) but then I realized it was the context; that we give a gift of ourselves to another, in each new moment… then there’s Annica. It all seems lonely, but if we let in the deep love and goodness of another person in our lives… we get the GRAVY. Thanks as always for your writing and your influence on my life. I love you!
September 21st, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Thank you back, G. I’m touched by your comment and the breeze blowing through your door, spinning from my ceiling fan . . .
September 21st, 2010 at 7:07 pm
“I can do nothing for you but work on myself”
Geez, the timing is perfect on this, Carin. Even if it feels ‘selfish’, we’ve got to take care of our own intentions, thoughts, etc. before we can remember that it’s all shared anyway.
Thank you for the timely post.
Namaste’
Jon
September 21st, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Carin, Thankyou so much. i love your sharing about your personal self, your journey. that’s all we have to give, but somehow often it seems so scary to share it, but oh what a gift when we do – to others and i think to ourselves. i’m married to a man who i love deeply from another country xs 12 yrs – we had a wild beginning full of impossibilities that just worked; i didn’t know what would happen and you know i still don’t – but i’m really grateful for this journey… (oh and YES – only work on yourself I AGREE:-)
i’m out here writing you and i’ve never met you; don’t know what you might think abt ‘this person’ who keeps posting…still somehow i feel almost an abandon… like here it is – why not be here now? really Why Not! Big Smile. XOXOX
September 21st, 2010 at 8:52 pm
How miraculous! I don´t know you or anything about you and yet your words are so intimate to me, touching me in me inner most being, Thank you so much, or maybe I should say Thank Us so much. Namaste. Tx.
September 21st, 2010 at 9:08 pm
As a last comment: No, what a nonsense! I´m not gonna work on myself, it´s so clear to everybody what´s wrong with the other ( in my case with him !)
September 22nd, 2010 at 9:04 pm
Marriage as a classroom for your own spiritual maturation – wow! Yep, it’s the only way. Of course, that is the only way any time, any place, with any body. Boy is it intense in marriage. Be careful! Love you
September 23rd, 2010 at 3:50 am
So beautiful Carin. Using my marriage as an opportunity for spiritual transformation has not only saved many tiffs, but has also made it such a rich testimony of pure love.
So happy you and your beloved are together!
September 23rd, 2010 at 7:38 pm
“We act like each moment isn’t completely new.” I love this line. The way it’s phrased makes it so obvious that we KNOW it’s always new and changing, but we just forget. Thank you for the lovely post CC.