It’s all very dreamy
It’s a cool night in Austin tonight, a marked difference from the scorch of summer, half a blink away. I have my windows open and face a room swept clean today. I swept all the rooms in the house and did some straightening. There’s space in here tonight.
Tomorrow the Guest arrives.
When Andrew left the last time, I lay on my couch and heard a Rumi poem, and I saw that he was like Shams to me. The Beloved of lore. It’s several months later now, and he’s en-route; his next flight is from Auckland to San Francisco. I envy him the travel. I envy touching down at SFO.
Today I bought some sausage that he likes and Reese’s Cups and new editions of some heavy metal magazines. I felt happy to do it, and I have no idea what I’m doing. This is different from last time.
I’m not riding the oxcytocin wave of romance that brought us together last time, beautiful and righteous as it was. I’m simply here, curious.
I have no prediction of the next moment. I’m fascinated by this experience. I remember driving to the airport the last time he came to town, which was also the first time. (And the first time we’d seen each other in eighteen years.)
I felt nervous on the ride and knew that I just did not know what to expect. That kind of clarity can riddle a person with anxiety, or it can wake you up.
We really never do know what to expect. Yet somehow we’re mostly just dozingly cruising through our world. Leaving the house and driving to work. Eating. Showering. We act like each moment isn’t completely new.
We have no idea, ever, what’s going to happen. We’re sleepwalking through the movie.
My only job is to wake up.
My friend Erik recently married a woman from another country so I’d asked him for some suggestions on the process. This is what he wrote:
And as far as marriage goes, I’ll share with you the biggest lesson I’ve learned which is that: the ONLY purpose for it that works is to use it as a classroom for my own spiritual maturation… not the other person’s, mind you, but solely my own! (It’s VERY tempting to spot the ego in the other and try to get THEM to mature spiritually, but just trust me… it NEVER works!) Lol…
A good warning for me. I know that if I feel uncomfortable, I’m likely to seek fault in my mate, projected from my own sleepy, delusional mind.
In Be Here Now this week, Ram Dass writes:
I CAN DO NOTHING FOR YOU BUT WORK ON MYSELF . . .
Neither this man who’s flying across the world tonight nor I know what we’re in for. But we are open to the river of faith, and this is simply where we are. He was lovingly (and with impressive efficiency and focus) compelled to come here, and I am here to receive him. Life is like this for me: unpredictable, fast-changing, wondrous. When I watch the movie, I’m just curious, smiling in fascination.
It’s all very dreamy.
For more writing from Carin (aka Carina ShantiOm), please visit