Waking Up With a Kiss
Everything is my sadhana.
Everything.
I can use life as my sadhana. I have to use life as my sadhana. That is simply all there is to do. No more “once I get some quiet time to myself, I will do sadhana”. Just do it now. What’s that? You are too worked up to do sadhana? Well, that is the perfect time to do it.
As long as I am alive, I am doing sadhana. My daily life is my offering to God, to the One. When I can look at the world in this way, there is nowhere for negative actions to work their way in. No hiding. My life is an open book, its pages turning colors from the rays of the light within us all.
Well, according to page 56: ALL of my acts will be consecrated. Now this is a hard one for me to hold. I like the ring it has to it, but REALLY? How is this possible? As I read this, my mind does an insta-shift to all the actions I have taken that should be condemned, not consecrated. And just as quickly as the guilt starts to appear, all of a sudden I become bathed in a river of Love. I think of Maharaj-ji. He knew all of the thoughts that were going on in everyone’s mind, many of them not so pure, and loved them through it all. Just as my mind begins to question how anyone could love certain aspects of who I am, I remember that those things are not what they are loving, because they are not me.
My husband helps me to remember this all the time. I will get upset over some silly thing, and make a mess out of the afternoon over it. I will get cranky, and just be a completely icky person to be around. Snapping at my husband, snapping at my kids- nothing good happening within me. Then my husband will just walk up to me, put his loving arms around me, and give me a soft kiss. How could he possibly want to kiss me after the way I had been acting? Why is he not upset with me? Because he is my live-in Maharaj-ji. He is loving that which is beyond my personality. He knows that my actions are not who I am, and, with a kiss, is able to bring me back to that place of pure love.
Sometimes I push him away, pushing God away with him. Too closed to open up. Stuck in samsara. But as I begin to use his kiss to wake up, I feel something. A shift. His kiss is the kiss of the Divine, a tender reminder of who I am.
October 3rd, 2010 at 11:39 pm
Last two paragraphs: learning what that’s like in my life. Kept the Beloved away for years. Wouldn’t I be too horrible if someone got in close? Now I see that when someone gets in close, I fall apart even more. This is for us to find out that we’re not abandoned. As my friend Jeff sent me in a text message today: “It’s the phoenix arising from its own genetic ashes.”
We’re trained – whether by the nature of humans or culture or what??? – to think that we must fix ourselves in order to be welcomed, loved, nurtured, kissed.
Exploring this in my own life and it is scary as heck for me. Great to read your post, my dear. Love, love,
cc
October 4th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
That’s a nice post Melissa. I’ve been gravitating a lot to some of the same thoughts too…making everything a chance to practice. In our busy lives seems like we have to. Thanks for sharing.
October 4th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
I love how deeply you are introspecting as you read through the book and how well you apply and freely share your experiences. And I think it is beautiful how your husband sees and acknowledges just how amazing and loving you are. I am sure your light does the same for him. So sweet.
October 6th, 2010 at 1:31 am
Very nice. It’s all the same thing. This blog project is showing me that no matter what you do, you’re doing ‘it’. . .and it’s all the same stuff. .. it’s all spirit anyway, so why not pull it all closer when we can. Thank you.
Namaste’
jon