Ram Dass Now

I think that the realization that the material world is impermanent or at least dissatisfactory relative to another possibility, is the absolute ultimate doorway into a conscious and evolved path. It’s the doorway that must be walked through. Why do I say it is the ultimate doorway? Because I believe it is the truth. There are not many things I believe to be absolutely true. This is one of the few. Buddha described the bare bones truth of reality. He didn’t teach “Buddhism” (frankly, any “-ism” couldn’t be further from the Buddha’s experience). He saw reality.

Everything changes. Cycles of birth and death. Lawfully happening. To be happy, we must not be angry, nervous, or desperately wanting. We must let ourselves and the universe morph and change. Dance. And not get caught in labeling this as “this” and that as “that” because before you know it “that” will be _hat and “this” will be th_s.

Allow/////////        Allow?//?       Allow../..    ( Allow )

I believe what the Buddha achieved in his life and taught in the Four Noble Truths and in the doctrine of anicca (impermanence) is the ULTIMATE REALITY of our human existence. The Christians and Muslims believe Heaven is the Ultimate goal. To me, heaven is perfect and is that which is unchanging. Everything changes. Heaven is beyond the changing. Krishna says in Bhagavad Gita to serve without want for reward–without attatchment. When you know that all is God — a universal field of brahman — how can you be attached to the objects/events/beings constantly moving and happening. Brahman is that which is unchanging. Of course these are generalizations about these great traditions, but my point is that in any faith where there is conscious engagement you must realize that “YOU ARE IN PRISON” and that the prison is created by your desirous attachmets to that which changes.

____________

Now I am writing this post late today because I had to go do my hospital seva at the NC Jaycee Burn Center (here in Chapel Hill, NC) earlier today than usual. When I walked up to main the hospital, it hit me as it always does. WHOA! This is a different world than I live in. I hang around with “yogis” and “vegans”. Here are morbidly obese people. And sickandunhappy people. People suffering all sorts of illnesses. This is my world too. Yes. But I saw people whose existence seemed like such a challenge for them. People complaining about this pain, and this doctor. and this surgery. And this foot. And this motherf*cker who caused the accident. and that son of a bitch who tried to help but made it worse. Family fights. Medicalbills…. aaaieeeeeee!!!!

What really hit me while pondering this week’s readings: Most of these illnesses and pain (and thus our whole medical system) are caused by not realizing that we are in this prison of desirous attachment. Taking in too much or not enough of something to mask a pain. Building up of toxins from the food we eat. Accidents caused by distraction. Body functions shutting down due to neglect.  And on and on.

I was overwhelmed with the feeling of compassionate frustration (if those words can be that close in proximity). How can we all not realize the fact of the Four Noble Truths and impermanence? It is THE antidote to our culture’s excess and vacuity. It satisfies my scientific mind, my spiritual mind, and my studies of psychology. It makes    so     much    sense. It’s clean and not esoteric by any means. It is the ultimate doorway. Yes. Once you realize that attachment causes suffering, you walk through the door  to your cell. And you just can’t go back in.

If I had time, I’d tell you how the bachelor party I went to this weekend fits into all this… but I bet you could figure that one out pretty easily.

- bt

A question to ponder: What good is faith if you don’t know your karma?  If you don’t know you’re bound.

“Then: the moment-to-moment ego involvement ‘Am I getting enough at this moment?’ ceases to be a dominant theme.” p 30

I have read this line again and again for a week, and this morning over my bowl of oatmeal outside of Weaver Street Market in Carrboro, NC, I decided to finally work with “Am I getting enough at this moment?” for my 15 minute car ride home.

The beautiful late-summer-pre-fall 8 am morning had my windows down. 77 degrees. Country breeze. Isn’t this nice? Aahh… I think I’ll turn on NPR, see what’s happening in the world. It’ll make me feel on top of things and in control. STOP Am I getting enough at this moment? Oh oK. I see how this works. No news right now. Ahh how about music. I know I am doing that ‘enough’ practice, but maybe some healing mantra music or relaxation music will be better than any old radio show. STOP Am I getting enough at this moment? OK, no music. That too. Just drive. Ahh the breeze. Last drops of morning dew in each inhalation. The feeling of the vibration of the road through my root. Root chakra = fear/security. You know, I should text that beautiful girl I am seeing about something she said yesterday. STOP Am I getting enough at this moment? OK, just drive. Right! Ask her when I see her. Yes. Duh. That was just insecurity coming out. Wishing she would text/call me back, in essence, telling me “Hey Blake, you’re alright.” Oh, but i should call Mike about recapping the LSD bonding time we had this weekend to make sure he’s still connected to the work we did. It’s important. STOP. BLAKE! Am I getting enough at this moment? Just drive. Breathe. Ahh, this is feeling like fall. My favorite season. Mmm I love it when it’s cool out. Wearing flannels and jackets. I wonder what kind of pumpkin my new lady and I would pick out together. STOP. Blake. Am I getting enough at this moment? How about that? My mind just went into the future fantasy because it couldn’t distract me in my physical ‘doing’ in the present…. ad infinitum….

At some point I arrived home. And while at some level I feel crazy, I know, the above scenario is not at all unfamiliar to 99% of you. Every thought I had, had the purpose of ripping me out of the moment. When I uprooted one strategy, the mind manifested another one just as quickly. Attack of the clones, man! The mind has a million ways to keep us from being present, to make us feel like it’s not enough. Why!? When the present feels SO f**king good!? The present has everything, BUT you have to be fully exposed and naked to enter it. You have to be trasparent and clear and so completely vulnerable that the defenses of the mind can’t bear/bare it. The mind’s job is to figure out how to stay alive. Survive! Quick fear will help us stay alive! OK, it’s time we shut the monkey mind off and connect to Spirit. It’s right here in this moment and guess what…

This Moment is Enough.

“Either you do it like it’s a big weight on you or you do it as part of the dance.” p 32

This is one of the ultimate phrases for me to munch on for a long time. I have a hard time with real, deep gratitude. I can trace it back to things, sure. But that doesn’t help me feel gratitude. It makes me feel like a “bad” person to not feel gratitude, but I am just someone suffering and trying. Amma says “Where there is love, there is no effort.” Just so, where there is gratitude, there is no effort. Love = gratitude. When we have gratitude for all of the infinitely preposterous sequences of events that created ourselves and the circumstances at present, how can we feel burdened. It’s all happening lawfully. And it’s totally “OUT OF OUR HANDS”. No burden. I only believe it’s a weight on me when I convince myself that it should be otherwise. The moment should not be as it is. And I get caught in this one ALL THE TIME.

But what I find very interesting (and this is the point I really want to share here) is that I can’t take this part on conceptually and heal. Can’t do it. I can’t think my way out of being burdened. But if I do a deep hatha yoga practice or a deep meditation, all of the tasks that I had to do that were burdening me, instantaneously become insignificant and in the background instead of the foreground. And I feel gratitude and love pretty easily. It shows me how my mind takes over and how futile it is to try to think my way out.

- bt

____________________________

“Running away” - Bob Marley from the album Kaya

“every man think that his burden is the heaviest…”

The entire album Kaya, is one of the most enlightened albums start to finish there has ever been. Incredibly rich with spiritual/life lessons.

(refer to p 26-27)

Ok. You mean to tell me I can’t hide? I am a full statement of my being in every moment–every interaction? My partner or my enemy senses all of me whether they know it or not? Do you mean to tell me, that the part of me I keep from almost anybody is being picked up on by everybody…. even the dog??? Wait, I thought I was guarded? Safe? Because everyone’s picking up on my vibrations and I can’t just switch my vibrations on and off at will, you mean I am completely exposed and vulnerable right now!!?? Oh no! Holy shit, what’ll I do… what’ll I do… wait…

….Hhheeeeyyyy, it’s not so bad. I am naked. Transparent. I am who I am. I can’t control how other people perceive me. Wow, I don’t have to do so much. Wait… can I relllaaax? Oh wow. How liberating… I don’t have to keep building and repairing the levy to hold the floodwaters back, because I can swim.

—-

My Yoga teacher and one of my heroes Ti Harmony (openheartyogaschool.com) said something (among many things) that truly changed my life. He said, “Don’t teach yoga. Just share your energy.” Another good yoga teacher/mentor/friend of mine Bryan Carey (patanjalisplace.com) told me “your energy is very disarming for people”. …Whoa… guys… just my energy? You mean, I don’t have to do anything? Just be around people and they do what I had been trying to make them do, relax and open up???

Entertaining these ideas paired with a new practice of loving myself more, I started receiving statements like these more and more….and they began to make sense to me at a cellular level. I was getting really in tune with my energy and others’, and it definitely made me want to clean up my act. If they pick up on my energy, I’d better come clean so I can be real with people. And when I’d get anxious, I would trust for once that I don’t have to do anything except BE my incarnation. I have really great karma. I’m a loving being. I’m being guided. It’s all energy. Trust. Trust. And I began to realize there was truly less and less to do.

I began to realize that people actually wanted to be around my energy. I have pushed people away or manipulated them to me for so long, because I haven’t once believed in my own greatness and potential. I have had a big heart since I was a kid, though like many, I was conditioned out of developing its potential. This and having gone through intense trauma (a plane crash, burns, PTSD) and near-death-experiences, really allows people to open up to me and share their own struggles.

When I give up all the planning and hiding of the parts I don’t want people to see (eg my skin, my tears, my loving) or only showing the parts that are palatable for my audience (eg my guitar, my compliments, my humor), naturally I am not lost in my head trying to be a future-better-me or a puffed-up-version-of-now-me. Whether it’s as a yoga teacher, blogger, radio show host, lover, child, friend, or stranger, if I trust that my heart’s energy is all I need to concern myself with and that at the deepest level in my heart resides the Infinite, how could it not be easy and so good? I am that I am. There’s nothing to do but be here now. I can finally relax.

And that vibration is contagious.

- bt

If you would like to know what I was up to here in this post, read the disclaimer at the bottom first – bt 8/26

The text editor will not allow me to maintain the form of the free form poetry I wrote (go figure…. ha). Lessons are everywhere if you are looking for them. To see the original post in the form I wrote it, click this >>> Intuitively-Valid1

——

Intuitively Valid

- blake tedder

see blake grappling for authenticity always, never valid

so many phases

…/mother/turtles-ninja/skateboard/guitar/academia/women/turtles-regular/yoga…

getting truer and truer

…>garcia >marley >mccartney>lennon>harrison>…

…yes… but…

hurting more and more

I think. or a new kind of hurt. deeper.

each strata of rock under more pressure. denser. older.

…

phase … ahhh… is this all?… hmmmm

quick! next thing that will make me undying for a moment?

phase… ahhh… is this all?… hmmmm

quick! next thing that will make me undying for a moment?

phase…

…

Is this all?

…

just realized I have been wishing ginsberg. that valid m(_)therf***er… wait. can’t be ginsberg. he wrote like this (in here) but not like this (here). he was he and i am i. inside same. Form = formless. alwaysdifferent alwayssame fraught with paradox. he fought with validity. as a queer. beat. genius. i see the big orange book. his collection. alright allen. inspiration…dig it. comparison…watch it.

…

un-valid. invalid. not valid. anyway you put it = fear. dead FEAR dying. fear.

…

to a friend I said, “don’t you ever feel you just have to awaken?”

until I am awake, …I… won’t give in, i said

The Pulling has gotten me this far… to the awareness

remembering yoga and the work I’ve been doing for eons

but the pulling and grasping and gnashing of teeth is no way to awaken

that’s all resistance to what has to be done

… is being done.

%$$$uRRe&()eR… S-Ur_ReND8Er…. S%RrrEnder… surrender…ahhh

…

blackcrows crrraahh craahhh craaaaahhh. wake up. anymomentnow… nowmoment. incense burning past fir tree. dog chewing loudly on the present. fingers clacking.  as the crow flies… nearernow. CRRAAhhhh. i see him in the tree. a table-to-foot-sensation. hips tight. chest a little sunken. release the jaw. breath in breath out. shoulders melting. were tense.        there.        is some loneliness. i remember my childhood now. don’t want to admit it. i love my folks.    there.   lonely kid with these thoughts and this heart. lonely 25 too. oh i have friends. it’s not social lonely. it’s lookatthestarsandweep lonely. deep. I saw fullmoon for the first time last night. vowed to do it forever. how sweet it is to live just to die. the way it’s supposed to be. totally valid. even the part that doesn’t want it to be. oh, blackcrows have moved to someone else’s trees.  don’t I have appointments to keep today?

————————-

originally at the beginning, I thought that this disclaimer would have colored your thoughts about what I wrote:

By the nature of these pages in BHN 15-21, being about touching the place inside me that is “intuitively valid”, I want to break out of form and put out there what needs to come out, largely unedited. Because although, yes, I am conditioned to tailor it so you’ll like me (even though I don’t even know you), it’s more of a evolutionary practice for me for you to be confused at what I say and maybe even not like it at all. I have struggled with speaking my truth in my life, especially when my truth is a complete mystery to me. What a great arena for practice! Whew… here goes nothing…

boloboloram

- bt -

By far, these 7 pages are my absolute favorite in BHN culminating in my favorite page, #14. For some reason these hit home with me. Yesterday I read these pages with background music live on my weekly radio show, The Full Lotus Kirtan Show. If you’d like to listen go to fulllotuskirtan.com and figure out how to download it (I’m on vacation so it may be a while before I can upload it).

“YOU can never get to the destination in the process: You must die” (8)

You know, I spend so much of my time trying in vain manipulate and arrange what I am given in the present so that it will ‘create’ the best scenario in the future. I know I am not alone. Constantly saying, “This moment is not enough.” It’s like Zack was writing about Mondays… if I just grin and bear it through this THEN I’ll be happy. Ick…. it’s so constant. In a state of filling rather than fulfillment. And, ok. That’s just where I am.

But what I think is so interesting about this, is that in my imaginary and projected future, I am never the transformed being who sees and understands differently than I currently do. This is what truly happens. We have paradigm shifts. We grow into new ways of being. But our mind doesn’t/can’t imagine the new way of being. Its job is to keep us in a pattern of resistance and primal security. So even in the future that we want so badly, we’re as limited as we are now. A three year old imagines being an astronaut. He can’t imagine what type of thoughts he would have after all of that training. No, he imagines himself, maybe in an older body, hanging out in space.

I have been pretending my whole life that I will be the same person in the future and think the same way. I guess what I am saying is: I am a caterpillar who wants to become a flying caterpillar, not even thinking that I might be one day a butterfly. A caterpillar can’t even conceive of a butterfly. “Beyond the beyond.” Who we think we are, caterpillar, three year old, this body, human being, whatever… MUST DIE in every moment to really be here now. “It’s just your vantage point that you’re sort of… stuck in” (14).

Page 14 (above) is it for me. This is what I need to hear over and over. First, I’ll say that I have had many debates with friends about this idea of determinism. All I can say to all of them is that it’s not determinism in the way we’ve been taught about it—not fatalism. There is not some destiny out there waiting for us to achieve. The future does not exist. We’re on the edge of time and experience and time moves from present to past—not from past to future (and yes, even this is an illusion, but a more mature one nonetheless).

We’re determined beings to the extent that we are unfolding in a completely lawful and orderly way. It’s karma. I can look back through all the different minds of my life and see the same thread to all my successes, failures, epiphanies, depressions, cravings etc. Since I was a kid, the seed for awakening was there. I have been dancing the beautifully tragic dance and getting caught time and again. And then I see Blake remember, and he advances on to the next phase of his being. “If you could stand back far enough and watch the whole process…”

- bt -

Wilco’s “War on War” from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot became my song of the week. It pairs with these readings so well. … at least this line…

“You have to lose

You have to die

You have to learn how to die

If you want to want to be alive.”

I woke up this morning and felt, “You know what? I just don’t have any f***ing idea about a HEART CAVE. This heart cave thing is just spiritual BS. [Right off the bat...I know...eek!] Wait Wait Wait, there’s got to be a hridayam, a spiritual heart. Well, I don’t feel it right now! I want to write about it in my first blog post. Should I make something up and sound super-spiritual? Nah that wouldn’t be authentic! And boy…. you want to be authentic. You’ll step all over yourself and even fake it to be authentic. Wait… you’ve got to feel it Blake. Heart Cave Heart Cave Heart Cave…. h-e-a-r-t-c-a-v-e…” And then I remembered something.

{OK, I’m putting it out there… I have memory problems (ie. more grist for the mill).}

I have felt this heart cave before. I just wasnt feeling it right now. Isn’t it strange how, in any given moment, we shift into almost completely different version of who we think we are? This whole morning I was a 25 year old guy that couldn’t make any sense or connection out of the first page of a book I was supposed to blog about for 108 days. Just two weeks ago, I was not only a 25 year old guy who felt deeply about a heart cave, but I was also leading a heart cave guided visualization during savasana in my hatha yoga classes. It went something like the following:

“The whole ribcage from back to front is soft and more pliable. And the sternum over the heart center is so soft, it’s less like cartilage and maybe more like a waterfall. And this waterfall is one that you can reach your hand through and even step through to reveal the secret and silent cave of your heart. You can see the water gushing and falling outside and see the light dancing through, yet this damp and cool inner chamber is silent and serene.”

Something like that. It amazes me, yes, that I didn’t remember leading this visualization. But then again I have known I have had some memory issues related to PTSD following my plane crash and hospitalization (9 years ago this Sunday). See, it amazes me more that when leading this guided visualization I felt that the thoughts were completely original to me. I have read BHN at least twice and thumbed it many times, but somehow I didn’t remember this HEART CAVE page. That is…. page 1. So naturally, I am up in my head now trying to figure out how I am supposed to digest all of this…. how I integrate it into my understanding of the mind. Here’s my thoughts:

1. Trust that I don’t always consciously remember everything. My subconscious receives tons of information. Stuff gets in. Quit trying so hard to readreadread learnlearnlearn. My subconscious remembered the Heart Cave from reading BHN.

2. The Heart Cave is an archetype of our collective unconscious and I just tapped into that leading the visualization. I didn’t actually remember reading the book.

3. Maybe I shouldn’t concern myself with what comes out of me. It’s all happening by divine grace–memory problems and feeling like a different person from moment to moment, taboot. The Heart Cave idea came to me, in the moment, from God.

4. It doesn’t matter in the slightest if and how I came about remembering it or not remembering it. In this moment I remembered it. In the next I may forget it. Big whup! I am just performing mental flagellation and well-rehearsed cranial circus tricks trying to figure out how my mind works. Be Here Now.Be Here Now. Be Here Now.

I like 3 and 4.

- bt

I really don’t know what to expect from this project except that I plan to go much deeper into the phrase “be here now.” But what good are plans? What good are expectations? I am trying to free fall into grace more often. Open up to inner guidance. And I am finding that you just can’t have plans and expectations in that line of work–or I should say, you can have them only if you’re fully prepared to have something entirely different happen.

This will be interesting. How much will I be able to open up and receive what’s on the page in front of me? How much of my human heart can I divulge? How honest can I be? How real can I be? I don’t want to force anything.

I believe “Be Here Now” is not a book of knowledge, it’s experiential. It’s visceral. It’s actually the most experiential book I have read since “Everybody Poops”. There’s a whole trip in each page. It is not to be remembered neccessarily. What’s to be remembered is “Be Here Now”. Remember….? Be   Here    Now.

Now, I wish I could teleport and see BHN 40 years ago. From what I gather, the book was like the Rosetta Stone of spirituality for whole swaths of young people who were disillusioned with the counter-culture. Those were the people that wanted more than a trip or just to get off. Those were the people who realized we’re subconsciously taught to be distant from our own bodies, being, and joy in our culture. BHN didn’t teach anything new. It just cracked the code to our own hearts and helped everyone remember. I can’t imagine reading it at that time though. Knowing others existed that actually spoke my language must have been exhilarating. Or for some people who were just realizing a spiritual connectedness for the first time, what must that have felt like?

“Be Here Now” isn’t necessarily the book that changed my life, but Ram Dass himself is certainly someone who has. His whole way of being, speaking and writing are some of my life’s greatest inspirations. He’s helped nudge me back on the path time after time after time. I am so honored to work on this project, and hope I can approach it with a full heart more often than not. I think that’s a reasonable expectation.