Ram Dass Now

I am about to set out toward the Cambridge, MA area today to see my daughter at college and spend an evening of chant with David Newman, Girish and Donna Delory. Blissy day. I love Cambridge with all of the intellectual vibe and international influence. It is such a mix of  out–of-the-box and status quo. I have spent hours in The Harvard Coop absorbing the constant flow of languages and cultures and mindsets evidenced by the variety of books that make their way to the check-out.
I lurk behind stacks of books eavesdropping on conversations hoping to overhear something from the mouths of one of those brilliant minds that will open me up to a new perspective.

“BECAUSE WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO LISTEN EVERYBODY IS THE GURU”. page 78

The Coop is near the top of my long list of favorite people-watching venues. I can sip my latte while indulging my voyeuristic tendencies and let my mind wander uninterrupted for hours.
During that meandering mind travel I often find my way to thoughts of Ram Dass and his days at Harvard. I try sometimes open my mind’s eye to see him all of those years ago strolling the streets of Cambridge or through Harvard Yard. With his quick mind, eloquence and radiant smile beaming …impressive and engaging. If I had met him there all of those years ago I wonder,would his words then have resonated in my heart as they do now? I know I would have loved him immediately. I just know. But I wonder if my pure seeking soul would have recognized that this man would come to be one of my closest companions on the journey of my life.

He has led me through words and example from Be Here Now to Be Love Now.

A long time ago Ram Dass gave me a mala with a single thread from Maharaj-ji’s blanket just as he had given to Parvati. He must have passed along thousands of those threads over decades with each one connecting perhaps to that thin thread of ego that was Maharaj-ji and creating thread by thread a blanket of love. A simple gesture with profound results. Another example of the gentle wisdom that is Ram Dass.

I love the imagery of the words, “ a subtle thread to keep in contact”. I so often refer to the thread of connection that runs through my life. It is a steady connection to the deep, abiding love of the divine that is always there.
The weaving of that thread through my busy minutes,days and years  is creating the unique pattern of my life with all of its imperfections and beauty. The thread is subtle and pure and although I am very much involved in my human life and all of the duality,ups and downs, joys and sorrows, successes and mistakes, etc. I am  never disconnected from that thread.
It is my lifeline and I am grateful. Ram Ram Ram Ram Ram

“Those of little faith need long fingernails and long hair to believe it’s happening” (P 73)

And what’s wrong with that? We’ve been going round about how it’s all the same stuff, and about how it’s ok to be right where you are at, including if you feel like you need proof; it’s just where you are on your path . . . it’s no better to be 4 yrs old than it is to be 40 yrs old, it’s just where you’re at. So “Lest ye see miracles ye will not believe”? Ok, then show me miracles–and I don’t mean the miracle of how the fertilized egg ‘knows’ how to split into various body parts–I’m talking about a physical reality that cannot be explained by science, slight of hand, or any other parlor trick. Let me see somebody levitate while standing in a random field (vs in an environment where there could be hidden devices to create the illusion).

I refuse to lie about what I believe, what I have experienced. I refuse to fake faith. I will not engage in the very fraud that I get all self-righteous about.

I asked up above ‘So what’s wrong with that?’ . . . And the answer is, Ram Dass didn’t say there is anything wrong with that. Nor did Jesus. They just stated that folks who believe without seeing are in a different place. It was me (and maybe you, too) who added the judgment. It was me who assumed that they wanted me to believe in magic; it was me who projected my own fears,  doubts and judgments into their messages. And if neat tricks help people move towards lovingkindness, then so be it. Am I the one to sit in judgment? Nope; well, except to the degree that I do.

I have prayed to God, Jesus, and Mary, I’ve asked Maharajji, Buddha and Krishna, and even my Papa to grace me with something to break down my own wall of doubt–to the point of sincerely crying from hunger to simply believe without seeing. . . and I still doubt, it’s just where I’m at. So for all of you who may secretly doubt, but don’t want to seem like a ‘bad Christian’ or a ‘unfaithful devotee’ I say, you are not alone. Allow your doubts to exist if they are already there. Never deprive yourself of sacred honesty. My best understanding is that if you deny your reality, then it will persist until you come to terms with it. With you, I pray for a deeper faith that doesn’t need to bother with proof or lack thereof. Just to love and to be loved. Until then, I’ll meditate and be honest with my fellow travelers. Namaste’

Jon

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And the Word was RAM. Many say that the first manifestation of sound was AUM, but as far as Maharajji was concerned, everything revolved around RamRamRamRam. He’d be sitting quietly on his tucket, rocking and swaying to the silent tune of Ram. Sometimes he chanted RamRam (go to the home page of www.nkbashram.org and you can hear him chanting Ram). He didn’t use a mala, but would touch each joint of his fingers with his thumb, over and over again, as he did his Ram Nam. He told us, “By taking the name of Ram, everything is accomplished.”

By the time I got to India, I was already on the RamRam bandwagon, having impressed the sound onto the wooden mala Ram Dass had given me in New Hampshire that summer on his father’s farm. He had attached a little thread of Maharajji’s blanket to the end of the “guru bead” on the mala, and it was amazing the amount of connection that little thread had . . . . it pulled me right to India. Of course, I’ve had many different malas since then, and used a number of different mantras over the years to connect to certain energies, but RamRam has always been home base.

Ram. That simple word is more than just the name of Rama, the avatar of Vishnu and hero of the Ramayana, or the name of the formless Absolute. It’s a seed syllable for the element of fire, and it certainly plunged us into the cauldron, burning in the fire of love. Many people mistakenly think that our time with Maharajji was all grace and bliss. Grace, certainly. Bliss, well, sometimes. When the light is so very bright, as it was in his presence, everything that’s buried within you, all your shadow stuff, comes up and looms larger and darker than you can imagine. I spent many hours sitting on a rock in the river that runs behind the ashram in Kainchi, crying my heart out.

And Blake, part of what created such pain and suffering, even in the presence of the guru, was the confusion created by the very question that’s plaguing you about the spiritual versus the worldly. Did I have to be a disciplined and unattached yogi to “go to God,” or was it okay to be simply a sloppy bhakti who wanted to get married and have kids and nice dishes? Did I have to do rigorous practices so I could merge into the Oneness, or was it all right to kick back and have some fun in good old duality?

Over the years, I had a lot of trouble with those who answered every question or viewed every situation with an “up-level.” Like those who said about Maharajji leaving his body, “But where could he go?” and claimed not to miss his form when all I wanted was to touch his feet one more time. Sure, in Oneness, I AM all form, the breath, the river, the guru, and the void. But down here, rooted in the Mother, I’m definitely attached to my kids and grandkids and Project Runway.

And you know what? It’s all okay. Just keep saying Ram, whenever you remember to. After a while, it says you.

I am finding myself frustrated with the reading this week. That’s possibly because I have found myself a little inconvenienced and frustrated recently since the technological parts of my life came to a frizzing halt. Basically all the music for my internationally popular radio show and podcast got corrupted, digitally. New world troubles, you know. So what I am going to share annoys me, yes. Which should immediately tell you, I have some work to do around it. Whatever. I do and I don’t. It is. Annoyance is an emotion that needs to be shared in this space. It’s not all ethereal and spacious.

Here it is, Jack. It’s that on this spiritual trip, teachers like Ram Dass (who I love dearly) and plenmty of others give me lines like this:

“You see that everything you’re going to experience through your senses and everything you’re going to know through your thinking mind is not going to be enough. And worldly things begin to appear dross instead of gold.” (76)

Bullshit. I am tired of hearing of sacred (spiritual) versus profane (worldly) as an absolute. Sacred and profane exist only in the mind and collective mind. I love ritual and symbols and puja and darshan and reverence, but that is because I know that they are just tools to work with my mind. I partition parts of my reality (i.e. my mind) into righteous/worthy/legitimate and worldly/subordinate/bad and it helps me remember that it’s all one and it’s all perfect and there’s nothing to do–no rituals or practices. This is just a mind tool working within the mind,  In reality it’s all sacred or it’s not. It’s all special or it isn’t. There are only a few numbers which we must be concerned with in this life. 0, 1, or (2*). It’s either nothing and it’s infinite or it’s all one and it’s infinite. (2*= Maybe we are just bound to be separate. I don’t really even count this one),And besides. Of course you can go through the sensuous and “achieve” enlightenment. Getting down to our bare senses is getting closer to what is. Even though our senses are limited tools that couldn’t possibly plumb into the depths of the universe, sinking down into the spice and muck of the sensuous world is necessarily getting out of our mind. When we are not a thinking about what we are experiencing and just experiencing. That is it, and that is enough (though staying there/here seems to be an issue for most).

On the very next page is a blatant contradiction to the previous page. And yes I am owning up to the fact that this could be just a paradox that my thinking mind can’t grasp. In fact any frustration or resistance is just the mind dissecting and labelling the sensuous world. Right? It goes:

“Where there is faith, there is the presence of THE GURU. He is all your impurities. He is all your corruption.” (77)

What’s the point in talking of worldly work versus VAIRAGYA (the falling away of the worldly), if it’s all the guru? He is the sacred. He is the profane. Stop worrying, because further down the page we learn, “[WE} ARE ENLIGHTENED”and everyone and everything is the guru (78). What’s all this hype about then? Yoga practices, meditation, books, teachings, gurus, semen retention etc. I think to me, every rock, computer screen, toothbrush, hoagie, possum, and pair of boxer shorts are all equally imbued with spirit or life force or energy or pranashakti or god. Everything is happening lawfully, unfolding. Can’t we just relax into all of it and see it all as sacred? And stop trying to figure it out? And stop going anywhere and everywhere?

Or maybe I just need to relax. That’s definitely true, regardless.

Anyone got a perspective on my thoughts here. I feel good about what I wrote above, but I am also witnessing some tuneel-vision feelings

- bt

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I’m sorry I haven’t been able to respond to the comments on my last post or read any of the posts since I last posted. My computer is in the shop and I am at the radio station right now, very thankful I have a computer to work with at all. I will catch up when I gets it back.

You are the void.

Doesn’t everyone want to wake up? That’s what’s so strange to me.

- the model was what they searched for

it was their own thought process which kept them from seeing

I say all I want to do is write and now I sit to write and I prefer to sit quietly. Not add more sounds to my mind in the forms of words, thoughts arising, making noise.

Yes, as usual, the fan is blowing overhead. Tonight it’s on a higher setting and I can hear the rough brown pages of Be Here Now rubbing together, page 75 scratching at page 76 (it was their own thought process which kept them from seeing . . . ).

And so could I possibly be falling into innocence? In so many ways my attitude is almost jaded, scowling, shaking my head. Does the ego swell before exiting? Before thinning?Ah! Assuming that jaded, scowling and head-shaking is ego! Could it not be awake?

I have the urge to try to make it all happen, whatever it is. I got up from writing to lock the door behind Andrew as he heads out to a metal show (always perfect timing on the nights I’m staying home to write), and as I came back over toward the couch, my mind went to a punch list of everything else I think I should be doing after I finish writing this (write a newsletter, work on new subscription project for my column, should, should, should). And then on the heels of that is:  “How am I supposed to do everything I want to do and also exercise and eat well and rest and quiet my mind and and and???”

So I just sit back down, breathe, type.

I straddle these worlds: mind (thought processes) and . . . what do you call the other one? Is it enlightenment?

I don’t use that word (sorry) lightly.

I don’t think it means what I thought it meant. Ha! I imagined I was hearing critters rustling in the leaves outside my front door and felt my heart rate and breath quicken and then realized, it’s more pages of BHN chirping, like a cricket rubbing its legs together.

YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED

What’s there to be done is done whether I have a thought about it or not. I’m sound asleep to think I’m – that is, little Carin – the source of any of this. It’s a funky dance.

There is no I unless it’s the great I. The great Eye. I am. But “I” am not. Carin is a costume character convinced that her story is the real deal. Like an actor in a play, not knowing he’s in a play. My skin looks good. My belly changes shape. I had a headache last night. Breathing goes through this body, out my nostrils, in my nostrils.

I think about these other characters writing here. My new buddies. My friend Blake out there, so young to love Jerry, finding feathers like the rubber snakes I found on tour. I think of you all and hear a SMASH! like a plate of glass breaking, like when Superman re-routes that nuclear missile into space and inadvertently releases Zod and his pals from the Phantom Zone.

I’m digging the metaphor. Smash ourselves out of the sleeping ego. Release from the Phantom Zone. Ahhhh . . . fly in space. Freedom. Awake. Awake. Awake.

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Today is my birthday. Wow. How about that? Another rotation around the sun has taken place and I’ve been a witness to it. I’m never one for revelry on my birthday – it’s hard to take the self indulgence of that me-focussed love. Of course, like most of us, I do reflect about my life on the day. Everything I’ve ever done in the last 37 years has led me to this point…all that kind of stuff.

Also like most of us, my life has turned out exactly how I hadn’t imagined it! As Sri Sri John Lennon said “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

There was a time when I just saw the little old man in the blanket. Of course it’s all just perception – we see what we need to see. But it’s deeper than that too. I wasn’t ready to be seen, or to have my heart touched, or to surrender my intellect in favor of compassion. It was just a little old man in a blanket laying there throwing fruit at people. Charming.

As my journey continues through the days, months and years I find more important now than ever to just focus on the moments. I was reminded last night by a great teacher that perfection lies within each moment and that result is enlightenment. If you just string together a few moments of Gods love that is within you then you will be see it everywhere else.

I’m not sure when or what the moment was when I stopped seeing the little old man in the blanket and started to see boundless love and universal energy. I can’t say that there was ever one lightbulb moment. Everything that I’d been doing was just kind of hanging out in black and white – comfortable but very neutral. When I slowly started integrating high definition colors and sounds then the man in the blanket became a sea of perfection and being happy was just easier than being bummed out.

I was dancing and singing with my Hare Krishna brothers and sisters last night. Talk about HD color and sound – their tradition does have amazing potent bhav. I’m grateful to be willing and free enough to learn from all paths and traditions.

Sometimes the potent and concise eloquence in Be Here Now fools me into thinking the practice is easier than it actually is. I get why – its important to know that the gurus (gods) love is easily accessible and does not discriminate. But it takes work. There’s so much to let go of. The ego is very powerful in the west. Competition, success, achievements and potential are very hard to play a balancing act with. We’re taught to achieve more and more and more. Experiencing bliss in every of life’s moments takes intense sadhana, the guru can only do so much. I see Maharaji-ji’s little eyes that are barely open, I see them asking me “what sadhana have you done today? how about seva?” Could be a trap but I see these things.

On this birthday, yes I am “the desire to be enlightened.”

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. My death. I close my eyes, and picture myself dying. When I “come to”, and see that I really am not dead, what is left is Love. Pure love.

In an instant, any one of us could perish. Well, our bodies could perish. This simple thought fills me with intense love for this very moment.

There was a time in my life when I thought I was dying. I wrote letters to those that were close to me, with a plan to hand them out in my last moments. There were a lot of strange things happening to me during this time, but there are two particularly vivid memories that I want to share. During this time, I often felt sharp pain rising up my spine. It scared me. Every time it happened, I was sure I was about to have a heart attack. I remember calling my brother in tears during one of these episodes, so afraid that my heart was taking its last beat. The other memory I have made the people I told about it look at me like I had gone crazy. There was this bush up the street from my house that looked like my hair, at least to me. I was positive that my hair was made of this bush. I thought that somehow, my hair had been taken over by the bush. The bush and my hair were the same. Needless to say, after conveying this and many other similar experiences (too many to write about right now) to people, I was told it may be best if I seek a therapist. A lot of people thought I was on drugs. No drugs. I also want to make note that even though I was very scared that I was going to die, during this time I was also feeling huge amounts of love for everything around me. More love than I had ever felt.

Instead of a therapist, I went and got CAT scans, MRI’s, EEG’s, EKG’s, you name it. I was sure they would find some terrible disease in me and tell me that I had one month left in this body. Nobody found anything. I was in “perfect health”. But I knew something was not right. I decided to go to an energy medicine specialist. She diagnosed me as having “heart fire”, too much energy buildup in my heart. I did acupuncture, took herbs, and the symptoms went away. This happened about 4 years ago. I have not thought about it deeply until recently. I now see it as much more. My kundalini was being awakened, which I took as a sign of a heart attack. I thought my body was going to die, but it was my ego that was getting close to death. I thought my hair was a bush, but I was really merging into the One.

The thing is, I was not ready for the experience at the time. I wasn’t quite ripe for it. Here was this transformational experience happening to me, but I was unable to receive its teaching. It’s the same with the Guru. The Guru could be my dog for all I know. Right in front of me, everyday. I am not going to know until I am ready.

Treating everyone as if they could be your Guru. A beautiful way to go about life. I had a conversation with a man at the Farmer’s Market yesterday, while in the back of my mind thinking “he could be my Guru”. It made the conversation so much fun! And I am pretty sure all we talked about was the fact that he had a son in medical school, and how fast kids grow up.

The bottom line is, you just never know. You never know when you are going to die, you never know when you are ready to receive a particular teaching, and you never know when you are going to meet your Guru. That is, until you Know. When you Know, then you will know.

I grew up along the banks of the big, beautiful Susquehanna river. Its wide expanse is bordered by a variety of trees, bushes and animals sometimes submerged and re-emerging in a new form. An ever-changing scene of non-delineated is-ness. Always changing but also always the same overall happening.

Years ago the river was contained by small dikes that allowed an unobstructed view all along the edge. Now the view is compromised by large walls put in place to hold back its raging waters when they rise to flood.

I would go to the river often to be comforted by its ever-flowing, steady presence and found solace in knowing it was always there. It is one of my sacred places.I could sit on those banks and watch its purposeful meanderings for hours and the concerns of my heart and head would be carried downstream as I contemplated the mystery and magic of it all.

Its murky, brown waters although often calm and serene would sometimes become a raging torrent. But no matter the mood the waters flowed. I could surrender to that flow and trust that I too could be carried along the currents to whatever lies ahead if I could find a way to trust the river…surrender to the meanderings and forward moving momentum of my life…let it takes its course………..but not by being passive.

The river is full of life, creative force and has definite direction. As it journeys along it is also stirring things up and carrying resources and creating life-giving energy while at the same time just being a river flowing.

I love that river. It is part of who I am.

Last night just before sleeping I re-read the pages 64-70 of Be Here Now and asked for guidance about how to express how my connection to Maharaj-ji informs my life. My dreams took me to the banks of my beloved river and I awoke to the realization that Maharaj-ji is a larger expression of what was revealed to me through my experiences on the river banks.

The love, reverence and awe I feel for both the river and Maharaj-ji opens me up to loving myself and others because in their presence I become acutely aware of eternity and its perfection. Both the river and Maharaj-ji seem to flow in a timeless dimension where all is as it should be. When I sit in that presence I feel a deep peace and I recognize that all of us are part of that perfection just the way we are.

I live many hours drive from the Susquehanna now but the experience is with me always.

“Maharaj-ji is not further away from you at this moment than the thought you’re thinking now..” page 64

Just this morning I walked out of the my new, little apartment and walked past the big home I just moved from.  I saw the new owner’s car in the driveway and had a moment of the sinking feeling of loss that comes from attachment. I kept walking with my sadness around the corner on this gorgeous autumn day in New England and was greeted by a huge, vibrant rainbow. It was an immediate reminder that although I may not be on the banks of that river anymore, I am always resting in the eternal flow of this beautiful life and all is as it should be.

p.s. I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for the last hour typing this since I haven’t been wired for internet at my new place yet. Just as I was writing about seeing the rainbow a man at the counter exclaimed  to someone, “Can you believe that rainbow is still visible in the sky?” ………..…always there.

I LOVE my Pa-pa!

So I’m going camping this weekend with two of my favorite people in the world. . .and in Central Texas, the weather is 50’s at night, mid 80’s in the day, and sunny! I’m looking for an old pocket knife to take camping, and I find the last letter that Papa wrote to me, my mom and my brother when he visited before his passing. I had a great time reading and remembering. This was a real man of honor and spirit; no drama, no frills, no magic. Just compassion and integrity rolled up with intelligence and wit. Imagine my mirth when I read “I am my own grandpa!!”

Such a gentle human being, a spiritual person. Just what you’d think of as a wonderful grandfather in the movies. He has been one of the most influential people in my life. In life, he was funny, resourceful, energetic, intelligent, service oriented, brave, courteous . . . just a beautiful person in life and in death.  So I find him while looking for a pocket knife. . . and I remember him sitting on his porch deep in meditation while undergoing cancer treatment (this, after my post last week about being brave on my porch, was very humbling) . . . I remember him comforting me as a child, I remember him helping me learn how to remember things better by writing things down, I remember him teaching me to wiggle my fingers like a fish (which I’ve now passed to that sweet little 7 yr old girl who had surgery a month ago), and I remember him teaching me to play rummy, and so much more. I love it all. I miss him.  And I get happy tears typing it. Then I remember that he’s no further from me than I am from myself—literally.  He’s here now, and I don’t mean as a ghost or anything. We’re all the same thing. The guru IS you reflected, you just add your interpretation of the reflection . . .

I see that what I respect and admire about Papa, is already totally present in me; if I don’t already have ‘it’ within, how would I know what ‘it’ is that I am respecting and admiring?? I see what I want to become in my grandfather; those are my desires and attachments reflected back—and I just interpret that reflection as a different person I called Papa.

~~~ That is what poured through my heart when I read page 66. The Tao of Papa. ~~~

Thanks for sharing this memory with me! I’ve always looked to Papa as a spiritual teacher for me; as a model of honest spirit. I am so grateful to have been around him, and to feel more as one with him. I didn’t meet Maharajji in a body, but I know my Papa! And those two would have been a hoot!

G’nite Papa,
Love,
Your Little Buddy
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a glimpse of the lake in Nainital

If Maharajji taught me anything at all, it was that there’s no place to hide. Of course, it’s taking a lifetime to internalize that message. If he knew everything about me, which he made abundantly clear that he did, and yes, still loved me unconditionally, did I think that ended when he left his body? If I really knew that god, guru, and self are one, I wouldn’t ever try to cover myself with the chilly waters of that old river de-nial.

I remember back in the first week I was with him in India. It was so intense, so powerful, that I took a “vacation” from going to Kainchi one day. I washed my waist-length hair (a long procedure that took two buckets of hot water), smoked a chillum, bought a bag of my favorite Indian sweets, and went for a boat ride on the beautiful lake in Nainital.

The next day, when I arrived in Kainchi, Maharajji looked at me so sweetly. “You like the scenery in Nainital?” he asked. Although phrased as a question, it was in fact a statement.

Yes, Maharajji.

You like Indian sweets?

Yes, Maharajji.

Then he raised his hands and pretended to be smoking a chillum.

Ah yes, Maharajji. And I was taking a vacation from what?

I loved the way Maharajji let us know he knew. It was never cruel, never accusatory. He usually did it in a way that others around wouldn’t even know what was going on.

I was smoking a lot of beedies (those foul little Indian “cigarettes” made with a tiny bit of low-grade tobacco wrapped in a betal leaf) those days, mainly to hang out with the guy I was interested in. I really wanted to quit smoking, but didn’t want to lose the opportunity. One day, as I entered the ashram, Maharajji started up with me about smoking beedies. He said he caught me red-handed. He said he was the CID [the Indian CIA] of the heart. Stop! Then he called me over to sit in front of him and put his feet in my lap and held my hand. I gave away my pack of beedies. After lunch, Maharajji called me over to congratulate me on not smoking beedies anymore. Instant reinforcement! And then proceeded to marry me to the guy.

Yet, year after year, I find ways to hide. I’ve hidden from relationships under too many layers of fat. I’ve hidden from myself by getting wasted and watching TV instead of doing my creative work. I’ve hidden from my own needs by constantly caretaking others. Even knowing that the god/guru part of me knows my heart’s desires, I foolishly try to hide.

From what? Love?

It takes an immense amount of courage to live in love, in truth, in openness. Even though I asked Maharajji for a pure heart and mind and for faith, I guess I forgot to ask for courage. Back then, I didn’t know how much I would need it.