Last week I talked about everything being my sadhana. Everything. The next day I found out my Nana has cancer. A few days later, I got the stomach flew. So did my 2 boys. I felt like fluid was coming out of every possible opening…throwing up…leaking breast milk everywhere…diarrhea…sweat. Let’s just say I did not look my best. I could not use my brain very well (which was probably a good thing), but I did have one thought:
Very funny Maharaj-ji.
He was putting me on. He heard my post, and came back with a “try and make THIS your sadhana!” After I allowed Maharaj-ji into this whole experience, I was able to let go a little bit. As I was bent over the toilet, wallowing in my own self-pity (ooohhhhhhhhhh, this is so haaaaaaaaaaarrrrrdddddd), I would just picture Maharaj-ji smiling at me. At one point, I was even able to become the witness, seeing this intense drama unfold before me. I decided that this was some sort of sick fire-work show that Maharaj-ji was putting on for me. With my 2 children and I throwing up, it was as though it was the finale the whole time.
A real life lesson. I can sit here and read every book made on making my life my sadhana, but the real learning comes when I must apply it. It is relaxing to sit and read and feel all high on life, but when the going gets tough is when the transformations are made.
That’s the problem with being a book addict. I am a spiritual book addict, always thinking that reading the next book is going to get me another step closer to God. I have been doing this with bhakti. Trying to read about it, and really get the method down. I never feel like I can grasp it fully though. I get these bits and pieces, and when I try to piece together how I think I should be doing it, it just feels off. Page 63 came to me at a beautiful time. Ram Dass explains bhakti in 10 words, and it all makes sense.
“You just love until you and the beloved become one”
I can put my books away now. I can slow down now. God isn’t in any of these books. God is in me. By reading as many books as possible, I am not going to get to God any faster. “You’ve got to go at the rate that you can go”. No rush. So lately, when I have a few moments to spare, while I would normally read, I just close my eyes. And I love. I love my husband, my children, my family, my friends, and all of you that I have not yet met on this plane, until we become one. In that, I find God.