Ram Dass Now

Sometimes I’m arrogant enough to think that the spiritual metamorphosis is harder for the Western person than it is the Eastern one. Who really knows I suppose, every culture has it’s own sense of roadblocks that are on the path to now-ness. But western culture grows increasingly enamored with wanting more of everything – with no finish line. “As fast as we can shovel it”. (pg 46)

Aside from the lack of now-ness that shoveling it in creates I suspect that it’s also the cause of some of our fundamental problems – taking care of mother earth, lack of compassion, bigotry, hunger and greed. If our collective center was just a little more calm, focussed and present we might not be running around like a species gone mad.

During my personal times of madness, I felt like I was deep in a spiral of sensual gratification that had no sense of belonging or consciousness. Shoveling drugs in as fast as I could trying to run away from the here and now was all I could do. I can remember clearly thinking that if I cleaned up my act that God wouldn’t love me – such self loathing. I’ve learned that staying in the here and now requires staying there even when it’s unpleasant. Walking through all of it – sensing more and hearing more is what’s required. That’s the deal. Which leads me to the fascinating concept that’s outlined on Page 45.

A sort of demystifying of our intentions. “Oh, I’m going to good things for my child.” Substitute “child” for “myself” or “others” or “partner” or “friend”, etc.

The sentiment seems like such a good one, right? In and of itself it is. But if you look deeper you realize that it’s ego!

Just work on yourself. The lesson to me is that if you get clearer, calmer, sense more, hear more then you ARE more. Therefore, you will by default do good things for your child! Because if you experience all of those things how could you possibly do bad things for your child, right? Setting our personal goals of wanting to good things is great, but if you’re not right on the inside then the good things may get muddy. How many kids did we know growing up who got an endless supply of external things and grew up unsatisfied and lost?

One of my favorite parts in the Gita is when Arjun asks Krishna which is better – to be a renunciate of all things or to stay in action? Krishna replies that it’s better to stay in action with devotional service in mind.

I’ll be the first to fall of the sword of western culture. Complaining that ego is just to powerful and that temptations are just too great. It’s such an easy trap. Every step and movement I can take, no matter the social context, can all be an act of devotion to God. Intentions. Intentions. Intensions with sincerity.

When I first read Be Here Now, I put little sticky tabs on all the pages that touched me deeply. I do not know why I did this, because by the time I was done, I had marked almost every page, save maybe 10 or 15. After I was done reading the book, I left all the tabs in it. I have re-read the book probably 20 or so times, and always had those darn sticky things in there. After a while, I noticed that if I came to an unmarked page, I would read through it much quicker than if it were marked, and not give it much thought. So I decided to remove the tabs. But I remember that page 40 was unmarked. I never let my soul soak in what page 40 had said. When I read it the other day, I wanted to cry! Ouspensky touched me directly in my heart when he said:

“If man gives way to all his desires, or panders to them, there will be no inner struggle, in him, so ‘friction’ no fire. But if, for the sake of attaining a definite aim, he struggles with the desires that hinder him – he will then create a fire which will gradually transform his inner world into a single whole”

Melt my heart Ouspensky. So it is okay that on this spiritual journey, I often feel great despair? I am not supposed to feel blissful all the time? You mean this pain is actually doing something? *sigh of relief*

I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed in these past few days. My husband left to work on a fire (he works for the Forest Service), and so I am home alone with my kids for the next 2 weeks. It is hard work! There are moments when I feel like I am going to just fall apart. So I have been really working with these moments. Why do I feel like this? It is simple, and it comes down to one word:

DESIRE

I have been in a constant state of desiring things to be other than they are. I desire my husband to be here to help me, and being that there is no way to fulfill that, I am suffering! So now, after noticing an anxious moment creep up, I stop, and just let myself  become okay with the moment, not wanting to change it. Once I can find that place, it feels so good! I can now look at this situation as a great opportunity to get my calm center going.

This state of existence is so impermanent! It is amazing as to what we get hung up on. Let’s break out of these self imposed prisons. Once we can take life less seriously, the game gets kind of fun. Instead of being stressed out over taking care of my children, I rejoice in the beauty of each moment with them, because this trip I get to spend with them is so short!

LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Oh, and if I still marked pages, I would definitely mark page 40.

I’m in the process of moving from a home I’ve lived in for years to a much smaller apartment. There’s nothing quite like sorting through years of accumulated life-stuff to bring up issues of attachment and desire.

Sorting through everything from dishes, books (many!) and furniture to boxes of my kids baby clothes and oh-so-precious drawings from kindergarten and deciding what I can keep and what I need to let go of is a journey into the crazy way my mind connects the ‘stuff’ of my life to who I am.

Who would I be and what would my life mean if those things that are attached to memories were gone? And won’t the attachment to the memories still be there? What is the desire that is being fulfilled by hanging onto those things? And is it truly necessary to get rid of all of the stuff in order to get free of the attachment and desire?

I’m confused really about how to be fully in the here and now and yet maintain a healthy connection to the memories and things that do in fact define me. I know my spirit exists outside the things and circumstances of my life. However, I also believe my life is infused with that spirit in every moment and that when I leave this body the life experiences I have had will be in some way incorporated into that spirit body.

Is that just my ego being “attached to this particular time-space locus” (pg 38)? Or is that faith?

I know I don’t have to rid myself of all worldy goods and go live in a cave to be free. I know it is perfectly fine to have things around me that evoke memories both happy and sad …they open my heart. I also know that there is a difference between needing to hang onto stuff (and thoughts) and letting them be there without attaching to them.

I can get too much in my head about all of this. It seems that when my heart feels too much my mind thinks it is time to step in and take control.  It is then that I take myself for a walk.

Just the other day I was doing one of those walks to shift back from head to heart.I was listening to and watching the sounds and sights of seasons shifting.The soft winds created a rustling noise in the dry-leaf trees and the squirrels were being blown about on the limbs dropping acorns to the road below with soft thuds. I was watching the squirrels as they frantically rushed about trying to stock up for winter while they were at the same time munching some of the stash to fatten up. And I watched a single gorgeous chrimson leaf let go from a tree and swirl to the ground. It all seemed to be happening just as it should with nobody figuring out how it should be.

So as I sit here now…stuck between hanging on and letting go, I am reminded that I have no say in when that leaf will fall. What I can do is trust that the tree knows the perfect moment.

Lots of words in this one . . .but it’s 1/3 of how it started.

My life changed in the past few days as I watched a beautiful 7 year old little girl ride a scooter into surgery, excited about her hospital stay. She knew what was happening, and she stood up and faced it in a way that I don’t know that I would have–the lions still spook me a little. Those fierce lions bowed down to her. I bow to her and her mother. I cannot live my life the same after watching an exhausted little girl rise up from bed against her body’s wish to sleep, and walk around to promote healing. I am humbled by her Muchness (you have to see the newest Alice In Wonderland to get that reference).

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I went into this blogging experience completely blind. I hadn’t read a bunch of spiritual/philosophical/existential/quantum physics books in a while . . . I used to read them constantly. I haven’t been meditating for hours each day . . . but there was a period when I did. I’ve just been living my life as I live it, mistakes and successes and everything in between. When the request for writers came out, I replied with interest, but didn’t pour over my response to make sure I said things right or wrong. When I talked to the folks at Love Serve Remember, I didn’t get my copy of Be Here Now out and read it repeatedly to prepare the perfect responses. I actually laid in my bed half naked and just answered questions with what came naturally. It was really beautiful to be in that space–It’s not that I didn’t care, it’s just that I wasn’t basing the my sense of self on getting picked or not. I wasn’t evaluating myself as a teacher/guide based on this. Now don’t get me wrong–I did put effort into how I sounded.  But I didn’t try so hard to craft each sentence to perfection.

And then I found out that I was picked to participate. BAM!! Ego came rushing in to congratulate me . . . and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.   How self-important is that!!?? It’s based in desire. A desire to help, but a desire all the same. All of a sudden, I DESIRED Ram Dass to know who I am–to remember me, acknowledge me. But at the same time, I didn’t really feel the need to send out repeated email/facebook/twitter/linkedIn blasts asking people to click ‘like’ on my posts. I didn’t approach each friend and proactively nudge them to check out my posts. I’ve taken a more Zen approach to it: Those who want, or are ready to see it, hear it, learn from it, will come to it through our conversations, and my neutral page posts (vs marketing blasts) on my pages. If not, I’ll still be teaching and helping people face to face, where we can share the same space for a while. I love the karma yoga that is my daily life. This experience has been icing on the cake that I stumbled into. Tapasia baked the cake. Continue reading

Are you guys ready?

If you’re just joining us we’re spending this week around pages 29 thru 35 of the center section of Be Here Now.  Yin and yang. Remember, cops create hippies. Hippies create cops. I create my dad in opposition and then I don’t. Last night I thought about both of my parents and thought, okay, I’m no longer your kid. You’re no longer my parent. And ahhhhh! Now I can love you better! We’re not the opposing tear drops in the yin yang circle. Quote:

THEY ARE ONE

THE SPIRIT

IS

THE SPIRIT

THE WAY

IS THE WAY IS

THE WAY

The way is the harmony of the universe. When one comes into the spirit, when one sees how it is, one understands that behind all the individual differences . . .

. . . HERE WE ARE

HERE & NOW.

THAT’S ALL THERE IS

and if it isn’t beautiful, man, there’s nothing.

Time passes

end quote. (p. 30)

and here we still are. My hair grows. I change. I age. I manifest. I get sick and then get better. And all evening as I’ve been typing these words, the Pandora station I’m hearing is synchronistically lining up lyrics to go along with my finger strokes. Long Time Gone is playing now. Time passes.

And still, within, as you sit here and read, if it’s quiet enough in your mind, you can tell that there is something inside that doesn’t change. You can feel it when you hear a great song, see a tree bragging at a summer plentiful with rain and sunshine. “And it appears to be a long time . . .”

Wanting not to want is still wanting.

The cravings, the desires, they are a part of this human thing. They are a part of the thing dances and takes walks and gets to interact with those bold trees and to hear music, to play music, to write . . .

I wouldn’t trade those things. My desires pull me forth from within to create.

I see this human trip as 6,867,217,046 – and counting – fingers on the hand of God. Individual and infinite possibility. The creator is making 6,867,217,046 – and counting – ways to experience this human trip. This combination of elements that every human shares and then the infinite combinations of individual unique characteristics. Continue reading