I have been feeling completely inadequate as a mother. Having two little balls of love is so much different than just one. When I had only one baby, I could devote all of my time and energy to him. Now, I must split it. This leaves me with feelings of never giving each one the love that I want to, or the attention they deserve. My mind is constantly going in a million directions to try and meet the needs of the both of them.
That’s the paradox. By thinking so hard and worrying so much about how to give enough to each child, I am neglecting what it is that they really need. The only thing my children need from me is my “here and now-ness”. When my mind is too busy rushing about, I am in no state be a good mother.
After putting my 2 year old down for a nap, I plopped myself on our couch with my 2 month old. I leaned him up on the couch so we could see each other. As he was gazing with his deep blue eyes into mine, I was contemplating what to do about this weeks post, and worrying about not getting time to write. How was I supposed to write anything? I am so exhausted I can’t even think of what to do for dinner, let alone think of something to write. I can’t write while Canyon is awake, I need to spend some eye gazing time with him while his brother is sleeping. This is special time.
Then, I woke up for a moment.
Special? How special can it be if all I am doing is thinking about other things? So I stopped, and looked deep into the windows of Canyon’s soul. When it clicked, my eyes filled with tears. Canyon was all smiles. This is all he wants. This is all Clavey (my 2 year old) wants, too. For me to be with them, in the moment. They are always in the moment. Surrendering to the flow. I need to meet them there. They are here to show me the way, I just need to follow them to that special place. That’s the place where the magic happens. Or is it this place? Either way, I want to be there, or here.
When I am able to fully be here now with my children, the feelings of inadequacy completely dissolve. The moment becomes perfect. Sure, my baby may be crying as I am patiently trying to let Clavey put his own shoes on (which he cannot do, but if he thinks I help him in any way, all hell breaks loose, so this ends up taking a while). But if I am helping Clavey while stressing about Canyon, I really am not helping Clavey, or Canyon, or anyone for that matter. I am outside the moment. So when I am with Clavey, I am with Clavey. And when I am with Canyon, I am not worrying about ignoring Clavey. I am fully with him. And boy does it feel amazing!
This week, I wrote on the little whiteboard we have on our refrigerator “WORK ON YOURSELF”.
It has been a rough week with my husband gone on a fire, and it shows in my parenting. So now, every time I get my stuff hit, I treat the situation like a mirror in which all the things that I need to work on are being reflected back to me. Clavey smears butter all over the counter : I need to work on patience. That, and my sense of humor. I get uptight when Clavey wakes up for the 6th time at night to nurse : I need to get my calm center going. Once I can treat each situation like this, I can feel so much within me shift. I also realize how much I need to work on!
Sitting here now, Canyon asleep in my arms (yes, I have to type with one hand), I feel a surge of energy rush through my body. I know that right now, this moment is enough. In that knowing, my energy centers open, the blockages cleared. It may be a fleeting moment, sucked up by some worry or another, but it will be back. The more I work on it, the more often it will return. Until some day, it will stay. And when it stays, I will be gone.