Ram Dass Now

At one time, the brightest minds believed that the planets were attached to crystal spheres, and that every once in a while, angels or gods would give these spheres a little spin. This is what explained the movement of the planets in our solar system. With scientific advancement, we now know that this is not the case.

This is what we seem to do. If we cannot understand something, we say it must be the work of God, or the angels, or demons. Then we figure it out, and God goes on to some other phenomenon not yet figured out.

How far can this go? Does it even matter?

What I believe at the moment:

Everything happens for a reason (in favor of this one)

There is no reason for anything

The point is, I have no idea what is going on. I mean, REALLY? This whole being alive here on planet Earth strikes me as absurd. I look around every day and I am just blown away. Will the fact that I (along with my wonderful hubby) made my children ever cease to amaze me? I just have a hard time believing it. Just a couple days ago, my husband looked at our son (now 2), then at me, and said “can you believe he came out of you?” No, I cannot. My babies grew inside of me for 42 weeks, without any work (besides remembering to eat) on my part.

One of the first midwives (before she became a midwife) remembers lying in the hospital bed ready to give birth, wondering where the heck her baby was going to come out. She figured it would come out of her mouth, as it was the largest opening in her body. She just had faith it would come out somewhere.

Where am I going with this?

We don’t know all the answers. We hardly know anything. I know I was born, and I know I will die. That’s about it. At least that is what I know intellectually. That is what I can state in words.

God, the Guru, that is all soul. That, I cannot explain. The word that seems to suffice is faith. But that word still seems flimsy. Faith is just belief without evidence, which is what this soul stuff appears to be on the surface. But it is more solid than that. It is a deep knowing on an unexplainable level.

I know on this level that we are all One, and that one day, we are all going to return to that place. Maybe science will prove me wrong in the future. And honestly, I don’t even care if it does. I am just enjoying the view from where I am at now.

I’m so thrilled to share this weeks post that I can hardly contain myself! I don’t know where to start. Fortunately, I’m reporting to you from Taos, fresh off the heels of the magical mystery Maharaji-ji mahasamadhi tour celebration at the ashram. Unfortunately, the bodies need for sleep is getting the best of me so collecting my thoughts is tough.

Jai guru dev! This was my first trip to the Taos Neem Karoli Baba ashram, I’m happy to say that just when I didn’t think any more light could be shined my way, the experience this weekend blew the light bulbs out. I am so blessed to be part of a satsang that supports me in my liquid wandering as I find my way on the path. Every soul was so kind and welcoming and beaming with the guru’s love. I felt at home. The day in which mahasamadhi is celebrated is really unique and powerful. Pilgrims from all walks of life gather at the ashram to express their devotion in the ways they know how. Some Indians come from far distances, some locals are there – but all together to express the common desire to keep the flame alive.

Since I’m in the middle of blogging about Be Here Now there was no way that I could visit Taos, New Mexico and not visit the Lama Foundation. After all, the Lama Foundation gave birth to many aspects of this legendary tome. I wanted to, at least for a moment, touch my fingers to the dirt where Ram Dass espoused these words that have changed so many of our lives. It was like visiting the original source fountain. Getting to Lama was, however, as adventure in itself.

Stephanie and I decided to rely on our favorite electronic guru, the GPS, to lead the way. We fired it up on the iPad and low and behold our friend Google Maps found our location and laid out some pretty specific directions. Away we went! Jai ho! Up the 522 highway we went following all of the directions that oh…led us about 15 miles away from where we should have been landing us in the middle of a dirt road in the Carson National Forest. Just before we set off Stephanie expressed that she wanted to go on a nice mountain drive. Well, we sure as hell got that. The Carson National forest is really beautiful by the way. Anyway, FYI – anyone using Google Maps to find the Lama Foundation – beware, it will take you to the middle of nowhere.

We quickly became very aware that Maharaji-ji was playing tricks on us. We were looking for the Lama Foundation and instead we got beautiful mountains and a real live llama.

Driving down the dirt road looking for our turn off we were desperate to find a human being out there. Anyone would do really. Turned out we ran into a very pleasant cowboy who was driving towards us in his pick up truck. We flagged him down and asked him if he knew where the Lama Foundation was. He, without hesitation, directed us to go down the road about another mile or so and there we would see a couple horses grazing on a property with a bridge, and then just over that bridge we would see a farm with a herd of llamas. Lama, llama. Who knows, right? It was all very confusing. Sure enough, we get to this farm and saw some llamas…in the middle of the New Mexico mountains, while totally lost looking for the Lama Foundation where Be Here Now was birthed!

Not the Lama Foundation!

Oh my. To make a long story short we realized that this was, in fact, not our destination and that we best get ourselves off this persons land and try to get back on track. Some locals back in town set us straight and directed us 5 miles down the highway to the clearly marked signs which we missed the first time around.

Alas! We made it. Just being there was enough. The very kind property caretaker greeted us as we walked upon the property and very lovingly explained the properties history both before and after the 1996 fires that nearly destroyed the place for good. Our time was short however, and we needed to get back on the road. It was a short pilgrimage, just enough to touch the dirt and commune with the spirit.

The Lama Foundation! Found it.

Tricks were played, beauty was seen, friends were made, satsang was in full effects, bellies were full and love was all around. It is such a gift to have a spirit of adventure knowing that it all turns out ok in the end. Being lost and then found is really what it’s all about, right?

Me and my beloved are just leaving four days of what was essentially started from Be Here Now. Talk about a “Cookbook for a Scared life!” Bhakti Fest has been just that. Four days of expressing devotion in whatever path you’ve crafted for yourself. Asana, kirtan, dancing, singing, discussions, hanging out with swamis. You name it. So amazing to experience 3000 people manifesting lots of be-ing here-ing now-ing.

When Ram Dass came back from India in 1968 I can’t imagine that he knew it would lead to this. Maharaji-ji’s spirit is alive, flourishing and taking on new depths of devotion for an entirely new generation.

“The spiritual journey is individual, highly personal. It can’t be organized or regulated. It isn’t true that everybody should follow one path. Listen to your own truth.” – Ram Dass

I’m by no means a well versed scholar of the buddhist tradition but I’ve always thought of the for noble truths to be tenets that require action. I love that Pages 35-39 go through the four noble truths one by one. Page 39 culminates in “getting your life straight. do your work. do everything you’ve got to do.” We can be touched with so much grace and love by our gurus but if we don’t put the grace and love into daily action it’s all lost. What sense does it make if Maharaji-ji touches us deeply but we end up a dishonest asshole? His grace is lost if we don’t all lead by example. “The higher you get, the harder your fall!”

Of course we all do the best we can. Freeing ourselves of desire every chance we get only to end up dancing with the ego again. The constant roller coaster of setting our intentions. The Gita talks a lot about that too – staying in action with righteous selfless intentions.

I’ve been so touched over the course of the last week. So many beautiful traditions singing the holy name with such sweetness. So many great Yogis have been kind enough to illuminate my path – I give thanks to them. And very profoundly I give thanks to Radhanath Swami who in a very short time has touched my heart deeply and been gracious enough to extend his hand out to me. Swami-ji reminded me of what’s so beautifully written on Page 41 “had ye but faith, you could move mountains, said Jesus.” That’s just it – “it’s not hocus-pocus…it’s a very simple methodical set of steps.”

And lastly I want to thank Ram Dass for being the original light in my life – for so many years he has shined and shined. I’m so blessed to have finally gotten out of the way to accept some of that light!

Oh and yeah…um…please everyone, go to Bhakti Fest next year!

Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. I live in a sea of thoughts, ebbing and flowing like the tides. Some are profound (so I like to think), some mundane. The thing is, they are all the same, and they all mean nothing.  They mean nothing in the context of this BIG question, a question so simple, yet so intricate, that Ram Dass poses to all of us on page 15…

WHO AM I?

Well, I am not my thoughts. I am not all the labels that I have identified with. In thinking about this, I am reminded of Ram Dass talking about a particular LSD experience he had, in which all of the labels he had assumed made up who he was went flying out the door, and all that remained was this essence that many may call Soul, or Atman.

I am not a mother, or a wife, or a daughter, or a sister. I identify so closely with these roles most of the time that to say I am not them is both scary and freeing. Scary in the sense of “well then what can I hold on to?”, and freeing in the sense that I no longer have to live up to the expectations that I have set up to fill these roles. If this were a play, I would be one hard ass director.

Most of my life, I have been playing the role of being who others want me to be, or at least who I think they want me to be. Thank goodness I can let that one fly out the window because that one really sucks!

So who am I then? Well, I am the seer, the one who sees. When I visualize who I am, I see this mini-me sitting on top of my heart, just watching this whole melodrama of my life unfold in a pretty silly way. From this seat, life is beautiful, and extremely humorous. The task at hand is to be able to maintain this position in the heat of a sticky moment. When life is going smoothly, no problem. But when something happens that gives me that icky feeling inside, I usually find myself so absorbed in the issue that I completely forget I am the seer. I become the issue, which is just, well, yuck! Only when the issue resolves do I remember to take that seat back on top of my heart. When I am in this place, the possibilities are truly endless. From here, I can completely open my heart, and see so much more. I can fell this brilliant energy rushing through my body.

It is still hard to believe that I am not my thoughts. But when I read about it in Be Here Now, and in many other spiritual books, I know it to be true. I need no proof. I can just feel it. Why is that so hard to believe? Life in general is hard to believe. It is crazy that we are even here, on this planet, in the middle of space, spinning around, yet not flying off. Why do we always need proof of all this? Parvati mentions Ram Dass saying to her while in India “we are here to bear witness”. With them as witnesses, I have complete faith that what they say is true, and what so many realized beings have said to be true. They simply can’t all be nuts. And if they are all nuts, well, I will strive every day of my life to become as nuts as they are.

Throughout the many journeys of self discovery that I’ve been on I always arrive at one fundamental question – who am I now? I mean now now. Like at this moment. I’m a different person than I was in the previous moment and a very different person than I will be years from now. So now is all there is and I’m constantly asking myself “who am I now?”

Here’s why.

That question came to me in a sudden glorious moment after emerging from an isolation tank on a mild psychedelic. It was in the mid 90s up at the Leary compound. Ram Dass was visiting Tim, just hanging out. The isolation tank was kept right outside of Tims bedroom on the patio, I had no idea that the two of them were to be perching themselves right next to the tank while I went inside on my journey. About one hour into the session I had enough, so I thrusted the tank door open with great urgency only to find Tim and Ram Dass sitting about 4 feet from me and the tank. I was startled, dazed and just plain amazed. No words were spoken for about 15 seconds while we all just stared at each other. Ram Dass leaned forward, looked at me very gently, and said “who are you now?”

Wow. Oh boy. How fantastic! That’s stuck with me nearly every day since it happened over 15 years ago. The best part is that it gets better and better the more I ask it!

It’s funny that pages 15-22 talk so much about the paradox of this whole “trip” we’re on now. It’s difficult because being on this path of bhakti IS a process of discovering the Self while simultaneously letting go of parts of what we think the Self is. There have been many “a ha!” moments where I’ve seen my Self merge with all the energy around me, being covered in the sweet nectar of love, but eventually I come back down because I’ve got to return to my role. And my role gets tied up with my ego. I need my ego from time to time. I need it to distinguish myself from others, I need it to feel unique, I need it create a personality that is exclusively me. Right?

So the trick I’m finding is how to be in loving awareness even when I’m in my role. The careful balancing act of being in union with everything while carrying a little ego along for the ride can be sweet. Tricky but sweet. Not letting my ego define who I am is the push and pull.

My ego isn’t who I am. All my assets, defects, comforts and desires are just little buoys in the middle of the game of life (oh buoy! oh buoy!). They hold me up for a sec but ultimately just become temporary. What lasts is real love and real tools that help me to see what William Blake describes as “potential forms of consciousness that are entirely different.” (pg 17). 


When I realize that what I’m seeing and experiencing isn’t the be all end all is when I attain freedom. Life is so much more liquid than it is linear. There are many core truths on this journey. Being in the now and accepting other forms of consciousness is faith.

“Yeah I’m going to die. Wow! Dig that! I’m going to live! Dig that!” (pg 20)

In Sue’s post the other day, “Carried By Grace” she talks about the dying process of her beloved uncle. To use the parlance of urban life – that’s the pure uncut shit. Those moments are when we really see who we are now and how God works. Death is a core truth. Those moments are like when the universes asks us to get out our toolbox and go to work. All of these shiny tools of love and surrender become ready to use!

But what tool do I use?

It’s so much easier to talk of expanded God consciousness when things are going well. It’s easier to dance when the music is good. Ram Dass talks so much about “making friends with change.” That’s the essence. It will all change. But are we ready when that change comes? Will we become ready to extend the hand of love, compassion and acceptance even when the change is profoundly difficult?

I look around surface levels of our world and see so much change going on. So much fear and anger. We live in powerful times – some people get angry when our homosexual brothers and sisters want to marry or when a center for religious congregation is built too close to a hot spot of tragedy in downtown NY. Is this change? How do we see this as part of Gods grace?

It’s so hard to see the beauty around us when we’re running mad with confusion. I for one, turn into a righteous angry knee jerk liberal when the confusion hits a boiling point. I want so desperately to love my enemies on the other side but I often fail because I loose sight of their souls. I’ve lived for years in a constant back and forth of being unsatisfied with everything around me, blaming everything I could. Like running with flowers only to arrive and throw them at people. Good intensions, poor execution.

I feel a shift now. Re-reading BHN is so simple and delicious. The journey to understanding that the “patterns of energy” that are “part of it all” (pg 21), even in these powerful times is fierce grace. Loving my enemies is fierce grace. Loving our society even though it can appear to be moving backwards is fierce grace. Loving life even when dear ones die is fierce grace.

I’ll keep asking myself “who am I now?” in good times and in challenging times. A little faith can go a long way for the “I” that is in the now. As I embrace this divinity, this new realm of consciousness, I feel it necessary to take that leap of faith like Hanuman did. Maybe then my nows will get longer and even more peaceful.