Ram Dass Now

At one time, the brightest minds believed that the planets were attached to crystal spheres, and that every once in a while, angels or gods would give these spheres a little spin. This is what explained the movement of the planets in our solar system. With scientific advancement, we now know that this is not the case.

This is what we seem to do. If we cannot understand something, we say it must be the work of God, or the angels, or demons. Then we figure it out, and God goes on to some other phenomenon not yet figured out.

How far can this go? Does it even matter?

What I believe at the moment:

Everything happens for a reason (in favor of this one)

There is no reason for anything

The point is, I have no idea what is going on. I mean, REALLY? This whole being alive here on planet Earth strikes me as absurd. I look around every day and I am just blown away. Will the fact that I (along with my wonderful hubby) made my children ever cease to amaze me? I just have a hard time believing it. Just a couple days ago, my husband looked at our son (now 2), then at me, and said “can you believe he came out of you?” No, I cannot. My babies grew inside of me for 42 weeks, without any work (besides remembering to eat) on my part.

One of the first midwives (before she became a midwife) remembers lying in the hospital bed ready to give birth, wondering where the heck her baby was going to come out. She figured it would come out of her mouth, as it was the largest opening in her body. She just had faith it would come out somewhere.

Where am I going with this?

We don’t know all the answers. We hardly know anything. I know I was born, and I know I will die. That’s about it. At least that is what I know intellectually. That is what I can state in words.

God, the Guru, that is all soul. That, I cannot explain. The word that seems to suffice is faith. But that word still seems flimsy. Faith is just belief without evidence, which is what this soul stuff appears to be on the surface. But it is more solid than that. It is a deep knowing on an unexplainable level.

I know on this level that we are all One, and that one day, we are all going to return to that place. Maybe science will prove me wrong in the future. And honestly, I don’t even care if it does. I am just enjoying the view from where I am at now.

I am lying in bed, unable to turn off the chatter of my monkey mind. All I can think about is how horrible of a mom I was earlier in the day. I look to each side of me, and there lie Clavey and Canyon, my two babies, sleeping so sweetly, with their innocent little faces looking so magical in the moment. How could I have possibly gotten so upset with Clavey today? I fret over all of the mistakes I made, I just feel so down about it. Then, page 14 hits me like a ton of bricks…

YOU ARE A TOTALLY DETERMINED BEING

Remembering these words in that moment created a feeling inside my heart that, like most intense feelings, is very hard to verbalize. All I can say is it felt as if Ram Dass reached into my chest, took hold of my heart, held it very gently and securely in his soft hands, and made it feel completely weightless. It was no longer weighed down by all these feelings of guilt and regret. I was able to see that who I was on that day was exactly who I had to be. “It ‘s got to happen that way” (page12). For some reason beyond my understanding, that was the way the book was written.

The next day I was talking to a friend, explaining how I had to get out of the house because I felt like I was going to die. After I said that, I thought it just sounded like an awful thing to say. I carried on about my day, and for some reason, that statement kept bothering me, as if it was saying “hey, look at me, you could learn something from me!” I just could not figure out why I was not able to let that comment go. I thought of calling my friend and retracting my statement. Maybe that would help. Probably not. Then, I read page 8, and could feel the tears build inside of me…

“In order to get to the destination…YOU MUST DIE”

I love how Sue brought up Bhagavan Dass, and how he describes this despair as ” being brought to the altar of the sincere tear.”  I was right at the altar, and instead of propelling myself past that edge, as the moth propels itself into the flame, I retreated. What did I have to lose? What was I afraid to lose? It isn’t as if I could have made the situation any worse. If only I could allow my SELF to die, then….ahhhh. I went from hoping to never have that feeling again, to looking forward to the next time I felt as if I may die, from fear to “bring it on!”

I began contemplating more ways that I described this feeling of dying. Often times, I find myself thinking, after getting my buttons pushed one too many times “I am going to explode”. Well, good. That is just what I need to propel me over that edge, “beyond the beyond”. I NEED to explode. Only this time, I am not going to explode to my children, or whatever it is that seems to be pushing me closer and closer to the altar. I am going to explode my whole being towards God. I am going to grab my children by the hand and say hold on, you might want to stop crying for this one. We are about to stare God directly in the face and say “woa, this is one far out trip”.

It is so great to share this trip with all of you wonderful souls.

Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha

I am sitting on the couch with my 4-week-old baby, Canyon, asleep in my arms. As I close my eyes in this moment, I can just feel the Love of God, the Love of the Universe, pouring through me. “I am the bliss of the Universe, Everything am I”. I am here, now, and isn’t life just beautiful…

My 2 year old, Clavey, wakes up, crying for mommy. All of a sudden it feels like I had been floating on a cloud of bliss in the sky and then catapulted at an amazing speed back into “reality”.

I go in to get my son out of bed, and he is not in a state of harmony. I try to help him regroup, but he pushes me away. He is 2. He can do everything by himself. How did I forget this? Meanwhile, my 4 week old is crying to nurse. I try to nurse him, but my 2 year old throws a fit because he wants me to play with HIM. I feel lost. Where did God go? Why am I not floating in the clouds anymore? All I can think about is how to make it through the rest of the day, and then I remember page one…

SURRENDER

I realize that is why I feel no God-presence in moments like these. Instead of opening up, letting the energy come in, I go in lock-down mode. But once I throw up my arms and rip open my heart, ahhhh. The fussing continues, but ahhhh. I can handle this now.  I ask Clavey if he wants to have “mommy milk” with Canyon. Problem solved. Once again I find myself on the couch, one child in each arm, nursing both of them back into harmony…and finding my own harmony at the same time.

This is how it is with my children. One moment is up, then the next down. I know that it is not this way simply to test my patience. It is this way because they live so intensely in the moment. For them, this moment is all there is. As I see both of them so absorbed in the Now, I can’t help but go back to page one…

“Except ye be converted and become as little children, ye shall not enter the kingdom of Heaven”

It comes so naturally for them. Me, I have to really work on it. But as I sit with them, becoming as they are, seeing the Universe through their eyes, my whole being feels full of light. My heart is open, and God comes in. Residing in my heart cave, my hridayam, the next tantrum doesn’t make me want to run. Instead of the feeling of frustration running through my veins, I am able to look at Clavey and Canyon with…

UNBEARABLE COMPASSION

…and say “this is hard sometimes, isn’t it?” This whole life thing is tricky at times. But the great thing is, we are all here together, just figuring it out.  Sometimes, this whole surrendering business is easy. Other times, my ego takes over and the idea of surrender is off in some far away land. But the more I work on it, the more natural in becomes. And with these two beautiful boys, I get PLENTY of time to work on it. My children. My little guru’s.