Ram Dass Now

Throughout the many journeys of self discovery that I’ve been on I always arrive at one fundamental question – who am I now? I mean now now. Like at this moment. I’m a different person than I was in the previous moment and a very different person than I will be years from now. So now is all there is and I’m constantly asking myself “who am I now?”

Here’s why.

That question came to me in a sudden glorious moment after emerging from an isolation tank on a mild psychedelic. It was in the mid 90s up at the Leary compound. Ram Dass was visiting Tim, just hanging out. The isolation tank was kept right outside of Tims bedroom on the patio, I had no idea that the two of them were to be perching themselves right next to the tank while I went inside on my journey. About one hour into the session I had enough, so I thrusted the tank door open with great urgency only to find Tim and Ram Dass sitting about 4 feet from me and the tank. I was startled, dazed and just plain amazed. No words were spoken for about 15 seconds while we all just stared at each other. Ram Dass leaned forward, looked at me very gently, and said “who are you now?”

Wow. Oh boy. How fantastic! That’s stuck with me nearly every day since it happened over 15 years ago. The best part is that it gets better and better the more I ask it!

It’s funny that pages 15-22 talk so much about the paradox of this whole “trip” we’re on now. It’s difficult because being on this path of bhakti IS a process of discovering the Self while simultaneously letting go of parts of what we think the Self is. There have been many “a ha!” moments where I’ve seen my Self merge with all the energy around me, being covered in the sweet nectar of love, but eventually I come back down because I’ve got to return to my role. And my role gets tied up with my ego. I need my ego from time to time. I need it to distinguish myself from others, I need it to feel unique, I need it create a personality that is exclusively me. Right?

So the trick I’m finding is how to be in loving awareness even when I’m in my role. The careful balancing act of being in union with everything while carrying a little ego along for the ride can be sweet. Tricky but sweet. Not letting my ego define who I am is the push and pull.

My ego isn’t who I am. All my assets, defects, comforts and desires are just little buoys in the middle of the game of life (oh buoy! oh buoy!). They hold me up for a sec but ultimately just become temporary. What lasts is real love and real tools that help me to see what William Blake describes as “potential forms of consciousness that are entirely different.” (pg 17). 


When I realize that what I’m seeing and experiencing isn’t the be all end all is when I attain freedom. Life is so much more liquid than it is linear. There are many core truths on this journey. Being in the now and accepting other forms of consciousness is faith.

“Yeah I’m going to die. Wow! Dig that! I’m going to live! Dig that!” (pg 20)

In Sue’s post the other day, “Carried By Grace” she talks about the dying process of her beloved uncle. To use the parlance of urban life – that’s the pure uncut shit. Those moments are when we really see who we are now and how God works. Death is a core truth. Those moments are like when the universes asks us to get out our toolbox and go to work. All of these shiny tools of love and surrender become ready to use!

But what tool do I use?

It’s so much easier to talk of expanded God consciousness when things are going well. It’s easier to dance when the music is good. Ram Dass talks so much about “making friends with change.” That’s the essence. It will all change. But are we ready when that change comes? Will we become ready to extend the hand of love, compassion and acceptance even when the change is profoundly difficult?

I look around surface levels of our world and see so much change going on. So much fear and anger. We live in powerful times – some people get angry when our homosexual brothers and sisters want to marry or when a center for religious congregation is built too close to a hot spot of tragedy in downtown NY. Is this change? How do we see this as part of Gods grace?

It’s so hard to see the beauty around us when we’re running mad with confusion. I for one, turn into a righteous angry knee jerk liberal when the confusion hits a boiling point. I want so desperately to love my enemies on the other side but I often fail because I loose sight of their souls. I’ve lived for years in a constant back and forth of being unsatisfied with everything around me, blaming everything I could. Like running with flowers only to arrive and throw them at people. Good intensions, poor execution.

I feel a shift now. Re-reading BHN is so simple and delicious. The journey to understanding that the “patterns of energy” that are “part of it all” (pg 21), even in these powerful times is fierce grace. Loving my enemies is fierce grace. Loving our society even though it can appear to be moving backwards is fierce grace. Loving life even when dear ones die is fierce grace.

I’ll keep asking myself “who am I now?” in good times and in challenging times. A little faith can go a long way for the “I” that is in the now. As I embrace this divinity, this new realm of consciousness, I feel it necessary to take that leap of faith like Hanuman did. Maybe then my nows will get longer and even more peaceful.

A few days ago, I found myself sitting in a hospital at the bedside of my dear, sweet, 92 year old uncle.

His heart is no longer pumping blood strongly enough to sustain his body.

I was feeling a mix of emotions…love, sadness at the thought of saying good-bye, gratitude for all we’ve shared and compassion for his suffering.

I was also in awe of the profound inevitableness of the moment .

There is so much in pages 8-14 that I could relate to, but it was the message about life being an inevitable, unfolding process that struck me the most.

It is inevitable that I walk the path I am on.

I am beginning to get that the inevitableness is because it is all there already, and I sometimes get the feeling that I  am flipping through the pages of the book of my life …a story that is complete…unfolding before my eyes. Amazing.

I truly want to be fully in the experience of living.

But I am IN it and at the same time longing to move out of the drama to the place where I can “stand back far enough and watch the whole process” (pg. 14) Is doing both at the same time even possible?

There’s a part of me that knows with certainty that on just the other side of every moment is eternity and indescribable love. And sometimes I feel so very close to moving into that place..beyond beyond…but if feels like if I do I would disappear. Like the moth in the flame. And yet the going there isn’t a choice. And also,there is nothing I want more.

Thus the moments of despair created by the longing.

I have been many times to that place of despair that I’ve heard Bhagavan Das describe so perfectly as ” being brought to the altar of  the sincere tear.”

My first reading of BHN was at a time when I couldn’t even begin to believe I’d find what I was looking for.

I was suffering.

I didn’t know what was missing, but I ached with a longing to know what I was supposed to be doing to find it.

I found myself at a workshop  standing in front of Ram Dass with tears rolling down my cheeks and pleading with him to tell me how to find peace and why it all is as it is. He smiled and actually laughed a bit and held out his arms to take me in. I felt that he was completely compassionate about my suffering in that moment , but that he was seeing it all from a perspective beyond the drama. He knew that there was nowhere to go and nothing to do.  I think he was  smiling because he knew that my despair was bringing me closer to surrender. He was showing me that there is a way through by just letting things be as they are. And all would be fine if I could get out of my own way so to speak. Let it be.                Ram Ram Ram Ram

As I am typing this now it is occurring to me that it has been quite sometime since I have felt that level of desperation. When the tears come rolling down my cheeks now they are more often than not tears of gratitude and utter amazement at the beauty of it all.  I don’t mean to suggest that I never feel frustration or the longing to have my life look different in some way. But I feel more at ease with the not knowing and not being able to control. I have faith that this moment is enough even when it doesn’t look the way I want it to. There’s more to the story than the page I am on.

I am carried by his Grace.

“But you’re still only seeing hints. You’ve got a way to go yet”

Every Monday on my way to work I stop to get some coffee and a yogurt. Pretty routine operation. When I get inside the coffee place it’s like clockwork that one of the baristas comments on the bummer that is Monday. “How are you?” I reply, “Great. Thanks.” They reply back, “Glad to hear it. Yeah. It’s Monday though, don’t worry we’ll get through it. You want room for cream?”

And vice versa when it’s Friday, they comment on the humdrum of the week and that thank god we have the weekend to look forward to. It’s become such commonplace in America that it’s become a figure of speech – “thank god it’s Friday!”

Now if you really start to think about that, if you really let it settle in, you realize the insanity in all of that. It’s the complete opposite of being here now. We’ve created a culture that thrives on thinking about other times and other places. What’s wrong with “now” exactly? It’s interesting to think about.

The “culture of Mondays” is a bit of a trap. It implies that there is a destination, a place at which to arrive, and if we arrive at that destination, then we’ll be ok.

Of course we all love time to ourselves and not being tethered to some other person’s demands like in most day jobs. But if we can’t even be in the perfection of Monday then what chance do we stand at truly surrendering to the “now”?

I’ve found myself caught up in years of trying to arrive somewhere that would only be satisfying if some external condition was met. If I made this amount of money, if I had this new gadget, if I had, if I had, if I had, then I would be happy. An endless cycle of “if I had”. Based on my experience, I’ve reached quite a few of those “if I hads” and have still felt empty.

As I begin to internalize just a smidgen of what’s being taught in Be Here Now, I come to really settle into the idea that everything that is happening is part of the perfect journey. No arrivals, no destination – just constant flowing. Things come and go, emotions come and go, money comes and goes, etc etc. The grace of the guru shows me that it’s my job to not be attached, it’s up to me to see it all work perfectly. It’s all perfect, it’s my perception that gets in the way. That’s the place I want to hang out in.

The process unfolds so gracefully yet so cryptically on pages 8-14. “Beyond even conceiving of a place beyond which you can go beyond.” Try spending 5 minutes with that one. Wow.

I’ve learned from Ram Dass and Maharaj-ji that the adventure in each moment has it’s own unique perfection. Even Mondays with all of the “posturing” and all of the “games” I think I need to play, they all have a place. The essence of being here now requires such a strong commitment to acceptance and lack of attachment that it confirms a lifelong process, but if you’re in it you can shine with love.

For years I used to wonder where Ram Dass got all of that light from. What was there to love all the time? When I was in deep with my own shadow demons of addiction I used to see him from time to time and would get so uncomfortable. Here I was running from myself and I would see this guy smiling and beaming. Thought maybe it was an act, or a performance.

It’s powerful to know a little bit about that light source now. To finally be a real student. Open and willing to accept and love all of my imperfections and karmas.

Everything is changing. Like the caterpillar turning into the butterfly on Page 12. The butterfly really isn’t that much more beautiful than the caterpillar, it’s just in a different role. We see it as more beautiful because it flies and has all of these fabulous colors. Still, it’s no more cosmically perfect than it’s earlier role as a caterpillar, just doing it’s thing.

Here’s to loving Mondays and to do loving doing our thing, no matter what it is.

To quote my friend Kasey, a Californian Yogi, “Jai Monday!”

The last paragraph of the “transformation” portion of Be Here Now says “Now, though I am a beginner on the path, I have returned to the West for a time to work out karma or unfulfilled commitment….Each of us finds his unique vehicle for sharing with others his bit of wisdom.”

My thoughts exactly.

The importance of “Be Here Now” can be told by many. It can and has been told many many times. Without question it is one of the true iconic manifestos from the 1960’s. Above all, however, it is a manual for being that is just as relevant today as it was in 1970. It is a guide for students and teachers alike.

As a student on the path, I would like to share my own experiences and how this grace of “knowing” has illuminated a path from my mind to heart and from my heart outwards.

While I’m still finding my vehicle for sharing my wisdom with others, I am profoundly awakened in this moment. It’s a beautiful and auspicious day to be sharing with this tribe. 15 years ago today the great American musical yogi Jerry Garcia left his body. Without going off on too much of a tangent, I am so beautifully reminded that he shared his gift of song and sorcery with us on such a moment by moment basis. Sometimes, it was other worldly and sometimes it was inextricably human – nonetheless, Jerry was a great teacher for nurturing ones god given gift.

As I fully awaken right now, my “heart cave” is open and full of the oneness of cosmic energy. The trick it seems is to string a bunch of these moments together to form a day to day conscious approach to life on this planet. Dancing through our lila and not separating it from the divine that it is here and now. It’s too easy to just have a good random moment here and there and not make the connection. I get so caught up in the drama of my life – the being of my ego personality or the being that is required to perform a certain role. The heart cave turns into a mind cave so fast that I often end up being nowhere near now. I call it “suffering in advance.”

I love to panic about what’s gonna happen later – what’s gonna happen when I take that call at 1100 am, or when I have to balance the budget for the month, or when I have to confront the person I don’t get along with? It’s all gonna go really badly, right? I’m going to get angry and freaked out. I suffer in advance. The trip of being alive and human takes on many windy roads all of which are accompanied by our stuff unless we…

“Start again. Become that trusting open surrendered being” (Page 1 from “The Core Book”)

When has God ever let me down? When has the universe and it’s energy ever done me wrong? Never if I choose to look at it all as it exactly is, separating my ego the bigger unfolding.

So, as we get into the first pages of “The Core Book” and leave the “Transformation” it’s hard to not be attached to method. The methods outlined here are groovy and I love being on that trip. It works for me. I am becoming a pretty good student of many forms of Yoga, starting to sing the sweet names of the beloved and have a mala around my neck all the time. It’s far out and a lot of fun!

But the attachment to those methods is also just attachment. Many great teachers of late have pointed out that the true awakening is when you are free from the method itself and are bonded with the places they take you.

Page 2 clearly says “consciousness = energy = love = awareness = light = wisdom = beauty = truth = purity. It’s all the same trip.”

Maharaji-ji was the pure embodiment of light and energy. There was no separation and there were no boundaries. He was finely tuned. As I venture out on this weeks course in the college of life, I’d do best to remember that.

With that, until my next post. For now, I look forward to reading what my cyber soul brothers and sisters write!

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to know. And it has been in looking for the answer that I have found my way to this blog.

At a very young age I began to notice there was something I was connected to that had nothing to do with my biology or my life circumstances.

I sensed there was a world within and beyond the world I was perceiving with my eyes and set about exploring …map-less and determined to find my way.

For a long time I was completely unaware that I was already on a path and that I was never without guidance.

I now know it was Grace that turned my attention toward Eastern spirituality  by way of music, books, workshops, meditation, yoga and  in the past ten or so years…kirtan,kirtan,kirtan.

Many of the most profound moments of my life over the past 30+ years can be traced back  almost directly to when I first came upon Ram Dass’s writings.

My heart and mind were blown open and in the midst of my daily days with all of the ups downs and in-betweens I have been sustained and nourished by  an unimpeded flow of light into that open place.

My hope is that by sharing my thoughts and feelings in this 108 days of  blogging I might type something along the way that resonates for someone and helps them connect to the wisdom, love and light that Ram Dass so freely shares .

This blogging space feels like kirtan to me.  Many voices coming together (although in typed words here) to open our hearts and take us home to ourselves.

I also hold the hope that through my meandering rambles I might come close to expressing the gratitude I feel for the opportunity to explore and express my experiences  with ‘Be Here Now’ in an intentional way and in community with others.

A virtual satsang with Maharaj-ji smiling on us all….so good.

Ram Dass and me circa 1993