Ram Dass Now

The ‘Hail the Goer’ mantra has particular significance for me. Right beside it is all of pg 88. The comfort of this almost chaotic looking page is that it’s presentation may make you look particularly carefully to make sure that you’re reading the words that are actually written. . . if you’re like me, you have to ‘work at it’ to see it, literally. But the message is so comforting that the work leading up to it is completely worth it.

That the water just goes on down stream, just like your senses just do what they do (and on this page, you get great exercise in the visual ‘doing’ something) . . . that you can overcome attachment through a simple exercise (karma yoga, candle focus) truly practiced, is relieving; this makes a lot of sense to me.  And what’s in sharp focus? Waiting for you to be drawn towards it (maybe as soon as you look at the page)? The clear Om Mani Padme Hum mantra. I mean, it’s literally the clearest thing on the page, visually. Where his heart rests, watching the unfolding happen. That’s just a warm sounding place, no matter what’s going on– it’s comforting to know that somebody’s there, in that warm place, and knowing it, and giving you a mantra to focus yourself so that you can find it too.

And not just that . . . also that there’s no claim to need to attain a permenant state of non-thinking just yet; and that the thoughts that you DO have can be appreciated for what they are (” . . . few people who know me don’t appreciate the fact that I think and have keen discrimination and have not lost my mind and I am a sophisticated aware being”).

So you work pretty hard to actually read the page, and to get the tone and rhythm of it (though I guess many may not work at it at all and read it easily, but I think y’all will know what I’m referring to), only to find that, like water,  you do what you do, but you neither have to be attached to it, nor absent from living life. Take heart that there’s somebody guiding you home either way. Om Mani Padme Hum.

When I got Be Love Now, I opened to a random page to see what was revealed to me. Page 116 talks of what the guru does. I think he’s the one that’s sitting in that warm heart place calling you home, waiting for your awareness to merge into one with with the mantra. Far out as that sounds to me, the idea resonates with something in me; I’m not entirely clear on what yet, but it’s comforting in the same way as pg. 88 of BHN.

I haven’t finished Be Love Now yet, but I can say that it is truly as beautiful in it’s essence and presentation as Be Here Now–and it goes beyond that too. When you read it, notice the voice that it sounds like it’s in–I like to imagine Ram Dass speaking the words out loud, in conversational style with me. For me, it’s a laid back, deeply heart-felt tone speaking to comfort, not just inform. I could go on . . . but suffice it to say that I’d suggest getting a copy. Please stop by www.BeLoveNowBook.com and take a look around, watch the video, and get a copy of the book. Really. Watch the video. “. . . You. . .Love everybody.”

Namaste’
Jon
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At one time, the brightest minds believed that the planets were attached to crystal spheres, and that every once in a while, angels or gods would give these spheres a little spin. This is what explained the movement of the planets in our solar system. With scientific advancement, we now know that this is not the case.

This is what we seem to do. If we cannot understand something, we say it must be the work of God, or the angels, or demons. Then we figure it out, and God goes on to some other phenomenon not yet figured out.

How far can this go? Does it even matter?

What I believe at the moment:

Everything happens for a reason (in favor of this one)

There is no reason for anything

The point is, I have no idea what is going on. I mean, REALLY? This whole being alive here on planet Earth strikes me as absurd. I look around every day and I am just blown away. Will the fact that I (along with my wonderful hubby) made my children ever cease to amaze me? I just have a hard time believing it. Just a couple days ago, my husband looked at our son (now 2), then at me, and said “can you believe he came out of you?” No, I cannot. My babies grew inside of me for 42 weeks, without any work (besides remembering to eat) on my part.

One of the first midwives (before she became a midwife) remembers lying in the hospital bed ready to give birth, wondering where the heck her baby was going to come out. She figured it would come out of her mouth, as it was the largest opening in her body. She just had faith it would come out somewhere.

Where am I going with this?

We don’t know all the answers. We hardly know anything. I know I was born, and I know I will die. That’s about it. At least that is what I know intellectually. That is what I can state in words.

God, the Guru, that is all soul. That, I cannot explain. The word that seems to suffice is faith. But that word still seems flimsy. Faith is just belief without evidence, which is what this soul stuff appears to be on the surface. But it is more solid than that. It is a deep knowing on an unexplainable level.

I know on this level that we are all One, and that one day, we are all going to return to that place. Maybe science will prove me wrong in the future. And honestly, I don’t even care if it does. I am just enjoying the view from where I am at now.

Today is my birthday. Wow. How about that? Another rotation around the sun has taken place and I’ve been a witness to it. I’m never one for revelry on my birthday – it’s hard to take the self indulgence of that me-focussed love. Of course, like most of us, I do reflect about my life on the day. Everything I’ve ever done in the last 37 years has led me to this point…all that kind of stuff.

Also like most of us, my life has turned out exactly how I hadn’t imagined it! As Sri Sri John Lennon said “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

There was a time when I just saw the little old man in the blanket. Of course it’s all just perception – we see what we need to see. But it’s deeper than that too. I wasn’t ready to be seen, or to have my heart touched, or to surrender my intellect in favor of compassion. It was just a little old man in a blanket laying there throwing fruit at people. Charming.

As my journey continues through the days, months and years I find more important now than ever to just focus on the moments. I was reminded last night by a great teacher that perfection lies within each moment and that result is enlightenment. If you just string together a few moments of Gods love that is within you then you will be see it everywhere else.

I’m not sure when or what the moment was when I stopped seeing the little old man in the blanket and started to see boundless love and universal energy. I can’t say that there was ever one lightbulb moment. Everything that I’d been doing was just kind of hanging out in black and white – comfortable but very neutral. When I slowly started integrating high definition colors and sounds then the man in the blanket became a sea of perfection and being happy was just easier than being bummed out.

I was dancing and singing with my Hare Krishna brothers and sisters last night. Talk about HD color and sound – their tradition does have amazing potent bhav. I’m grateful to be willing and free enough to learn from all paths and traditions.

Sometimes the potent and concise eloquence in Be Here Now fools me into thinking the practice is easier than it actually is. I get why – its important to know that the gurus (gods) love is easily accessible and does not discriminate. But it takes work. There’s so much to let go of. The ego is very powerful in the west. Competition, success, achievements and potential are very hard to play a balancing act with. We’re taught to achieve more and more and more. Experiencing bliss in every of life’s moments takes intense sadhana, the guru can only do so much. I see Maharaji-ji’s little eyes that are barely open, I see them asking me “what sadhana have you done today? how about seva?” Could be a trap but I see these things.

On this birthday, yes I am “the desire to be enlightened.”

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. My death. I close my eyes, and picture myself dying. When I “come to”, and see that I really am not dead, what is left is Love. Pure love.

In an instant, any one of us could perish. Well, our bodies could perish. This simple thought fills me with intense love for this very moment.

There was a time in my life when I thought I was dying. I wrote letters to those that were close to me, with a plan to hand them out in my last moments. There were a lot of strange things happening to me during this time, but there are two particularly vivid memories that I want to share. During this time, I often felt sharp pain rising up my spine. It scared me. Every time it happened, I was sure I was about to have a heart attack. I remember calling my brother in tears during one of these episodes, so afraid that my heart was taking its last beat. The other memory I have made the people I told about it look at me like I had gone crazy. There was this bush up the street from my house that looked like my hair, at least to me. I was positive that my hair was made of this bush. I thought that somehow, my hair had been taken over by the bush. The bush and my hair were the same. Needless to say, after conveying this and many other similar experiences (too many to write about right now) to people, I was told it may be best if I seek a therapist. A lot of people thought I was on drugs. No drugs. I also want to make note that even though I was very scared that I was going to die, during this time I was also feeling huge amounts of love for everything around me. More love than I had ever felt.

Instead of a therapist, I went and got CAT scans, MRI’s, EEG’s, EKG’s, you name it. I was sure they would find some terrible disease in me and tell me that I had one month left in this body. Nobody found anything. I was in “perfect health”. But I knew something was not right. I decided to go to an energy medicine specialist. She diagnosed me as having “heart fire”, too much energy buildup in my heart. I did acupuncture, took herbs, and the symptoms went away. This happened about 4 years ago. I have not thought about it deeply until recently. I now see it as much more. My kundalini was being awakened, which I took as a sign of a heart attack. I thought my body was going to die, but it was my ego that was getting close to death. I thought my hair was a bush, but I was really merging into the One.

The thing is, I was not ready for the experience at the time. I wasn’t quite ripe for it. Here was this transformational experience happening to me, but I was unable to receive its teaching. It’s the same with the Guru. The Guru could be my dog for all I know. Right in front of me, everyday. I am not going to know until I am ready.

Treating everyone as if they could be your Guru. A beautiful way to go about life. I had a conversation with a man at the Farmer’s Market yesterday, while in the back of my mind thinking “he could be my Guru”. It made the conversation so much fun! And I am pretty sure all we talked about was the fact that he had a son in medical school, and how fast kids grow up.

The bottom line is, you just never know. You never know when you are going to die, you never know when you are ready to receive a particular teaching, and you never know when you are going to meet your Guru. That is, until you Know. When you Know, then you will know.

I LOVE my Pa-pa!

So I’m going camping this weekend with two of my favorite people in the world. . .and in Central Texas, the weather is 50’s at night, mid 80’s in the day, and sunny! I’m looking for an old pocket knife to take camping, and I find the last letter that Papa wrote to me, my mom and my brother when he visited before his passing. I had a great time reading and remembering. This was a real man of honor and spirit; no drama, no frills, no magic. Just compassion and integrity rolled up with intelligence and wit. Imagine my mirth when I read “I am my own grandpa!!”

Such a gentle human being, a spiritual person. Just what you’d think of as a wonderful grandfather in the movies. He has been one of the most influential people in my life. In life, he was funny, resourceful, energetic, intelligent, service oriented, brave, courteous . . . just a beautiful person in life and in death.  So I find him while looking for a pocket knife. . . and I remember him sitting on his porch deep in meditation while undergoing cancer treatment (this, after my post last week about being brave on my porch, was very humbling) . . . I remember him comforting me as a child, I remember him helping me learn how to remember things better by writing things down, I remember him teaching me to wiggle my fingers like a fish (which I’ve now passed to that sweet little 7 yr old girl who had surgery a month ago), and I remember him teaching me to play rummy, and so much more. I love it all. I miss him.  And I get happy tears typing it. Then I remember that he’s no further from me than I am from myself—literally.  He’s here now, and I don’t mean as a ghost or anything. We’re all the same thing. The guru IS you reflected, you just add your interpretation of the reflection . . .

I see that what I respect and admire about Papa, is already totally present in me; if I don’t already have ‘it’ within, how would I know what ‘it’ is that I am respecting and admiring?? I see what I want to become in my grandfather; those are my desires and attachments reflected back—and I just interpret that reflection as a different person I called Papa.

~~~ That is what poured through my heart when I read page 66. The Tao of Papa. ~~~

Thanks for sharing this memory with me! I’ve always looked to Papa as a spiritual teacher for me; as a model of honest spirit. I am so grateful to have been around him, and to feel more as one with him. I didn’t meet Maharajji in a body, but I know my Papa! And those two would have been a hoot!

G’nite Papa,
Love,
Your Little Buddy
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I have been finding feathers recently. Serendipitously. It’s usually just a flash from the corner of my eye. Like intuition. Something says “Look this way” or my dog pulls strangely off the trail and stops, then I see it. It is very exciting. I have never found feathers before. I take a daily walk in the woods. First I found my totem animal’s (crow) feather, then a red-tailed hawk’s (which my dog ate), an owl’s, and a small bird’s. Each one has synced up with events or moments in my recent life where the feather seems to be an obvious omen or token of guidance.

Now each day when I walk with my sweetdog, I am noticing that I am scanning the ground for feathers. Because I want to collect them, and I want so earnestly to feel guided. I have never found a feather this way, and I know I just have to trust and not expect anything and then they appear when they need to appear. It’s so romantic(!) and significant(!!!) to find feathers all the time. So it’s almost automatic that my eyes just scrutinize the forest floor for the form of a feather. It’s exhausting for my eyes because there are thousands of repeating forms and I am looking for just a few.

So every day, I scuffle through the fall leaves and pine straw, I remind myself “Don’t look for feathers”, which just makes me think about feathers. “Don’t think of a pink elephant”. It keeps me a thought away from that bright intuition, which is easy and effortless. I am attached to looking and finding. Making something happen, when I know it just happens. It’s all unfolding. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Before it was feathers, it was “a guru, any guru”. Who is my guru? Where can I go to find him/her? Is it her? Can’t be him. Constantly looking and searching and shuffling through forms in exasperation–desperation. It didn’t matter how many times I read that “the guru is within” or “God=Guru=Self”. It’s always: “Yeh but….”.

When I am quiet, that voice that speaks to me inside and says “look over there…. ahh a feather”…. that’s the guru. My intuition, is the voice of the guru–the voice of God. They are the same. And that voice is not Indian. That voice is not a little man in a blanket or a woman who gives hugs. In fact the form of Maharaj-ji and Amma are not it at all. It’s that spirit that is moving around inside of them. And I think my work is not finding them, not putting up pictures of them and talking to them (which are useful reminders), but trying to identify with my intuition. Identifying with that part within me that is just like what is within them. That part of us which is in the flow without resistence.

Love to hear your thoughts. That feels right to me at the moment so I goes wif it.

- bt

fulllotuskirtan.com

- He’s sitting up there (in here) all the time.

What is this eye? Is it the chicken/the guru that watches all the time, sees, knows everything, just checks it out? Smiles gently like the Buddha? Cracks up wildly like we used to way back when we first smoked pot?

Is it my eye?

Singing these words:

I know that I’m not driving this train. I am consciousness being played through a character.

At the moment it sounds like “Bernie’s Chalisa” off of Flow of Grace. Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram

Sita Ram Sita Ram Sita Ram Sita Ram

And the words don’t mean anything,

and it doesn’t matter! Isn’t that good news?

It just happens that I dig this kind of music, but it is not access to the guru. How can I have access to that which I am?

So.

of late I don’t talk with as many of my friends as -

- as when? as what?

this personality appears to be changing and I don’t feel like explaining it. It almost has me put on a veneer of indifference, nay, almost defense. Football pads? When you’re pulling the clothes out of the drawer of who you think you are, the wardrobe inevitably changes. I’m not driving this train.

This blog gives me a nice place to spill it.

I’d rather write than talk with most people these days. I’d rather create than talk about the weather.

The trips that we’re into are the trips that we’re into. Always a writer. Always a traveler. There are things about us that we can’t help.

Including the seething resentment, brother Zach. Including the puking, sister Melissa. Including absolutely everything about this moment you’re I am experiencing right now. Eyes closed, can I still type? And feel the fan blowing in a low swirl above my head? Smiling as I realize I’ve made an error and backspace to correct, eyes still closed.

What is that eye?

- I just have what I have going with my own karma.

- You hang out with yourself because there’s nobody home there at all.

- He is a perfect mirror since there’s nobody here.

- Not: “I really love Ram Dass.”

- “Well, everywhere I go, the chicken sees.”

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All of the major religions proclaim “the kingdom of heaven is within”, that’s a generally accepted point of view. Everything you’re looking for is already within you and that you really don’t have to look anywhere else but inside. Here we say “you are the guru.”

There’s a wonderful little realization of the infinite truth that I get from these pages (64-70), that isn’t really said rather it is implied over and over again.

So if you are the guru and the guru is infinite blissful love then first you must love yourself before you can love others. That’s it. If inside, we are truly “sat chit ananda” then there is no other option. To me it’s a very simple yet powerful thought. Am I over simplifying it? I don’t think so.

I’ve spent many years feeling unworthy of love and very much unworthy of self acceptance. I could never get over some of my past actions or my current thoughts. “Gosh, I think such terrible defect-oriented thoughts that I mustn’t be pure.” Or, “I used to do terrible things to get more drugs so I must be broken and corrupt.” Not too much different than how RD must have felt when we saw Maharaj-ji after having wild sexual thoughts that he was sure Baba knew about (pg 68). I’ve learned that all of my thoughts and feelings make up who I am and they all are perfect. I’ve been reminded many times to not live in the past and to love who I am right now.

So, if the guru’s love is inside of me then what greater order do I have than to shine it on myself first. The soul is full of bliss anyway, ananda. Using the idea of the guru to me is like what we talked about last week – he or she can be used as a vibrational reminder in the physical plane. It’s not idolatry – it’s just using the guru’s physical self to remind us of the unphysical. The merging of the understanding that God is both impersonal and personal.

But how I do I take that ananda, that infinite love, with me all the time? I may have written about it in a previous post but I do find the trick is to practice these ideas all of the time, in every situation. It’s easier to be be “here in love” when things are going well. The real test and connection to Godlovehead is when things appear to be difficult. Resentment, anger, shame, death, hurt feelings, sadness, loneliness – all of life’s heartaches provide so much room to practice yet are so powerful that it becomes very challenging. How can I use the gurus infinite love when I’m full of seething resentment? When my ego is bruised and I want things to go my way how do I compassionately love my way to gratitude? I wish I knew more about this. That’s where I’m at in my process and this book is helping me through it.

To be continued as I continue to explore within and without…

I often get caught up in thinking…. I was going to say more to that sentence, adding an “about ….”. But I’ll leave it at that. Anyways, I think about Maharaj-ji and me a lot. A lot of that thinking comes down to this…. Is he really a being who is communicating with me at a different level of consciousness? Is he a ghastly spirit that slips through etheric realms to end up everywhere? Watching. Guiding. My thinking mind always figures whatever everyone is saying he’s doing… can’t be.

Then I have these moments when I feel really connected to him. Close. Guided. I only know about him through Ram Dass and through various books. And some personal experience. I, like Zack, was born after his physical self could have any direct influence on me.

I still ask and question and doubt (because I have to until I am done with doubt) about Maharaj-ji and if he’s “my guru” and if he’s guiding me. I always come to some conclusion about the matter…

My friend Jon “Bharat” Seskevich once told me “Blake, it seems Maharaj-ji’s boys are after you. There’s nothing you can do about it.” He was refering to the fact that, I am so deeply drawn to Ram Dass’ teachings. I have listened to Krishna Das, Jai Uttal, and David Newman so much that I had to start a kirtan radio show (fulllotuskirtan.com). Had to. And for some reason I love the greatest of all monkeys, Hanuman, And then I met and started a sweet friendship with Jon himself (a Baba devotee). Maharaj-ji’s boys were/are indeed after me.

My take on this is that it makes no difference if Maharaj-ji is reaching me through the ether and guiding my actions. Simply, his time on this earth plane touched and changed people who are now changing my life. His hands are reaching through time, space, personalities, music, lectures, voices, and eyes to alter the course of my life. To me in this moment, the guru is not somewhere out there or in any picture or place, his influence is in everyone I meet because he was, and everything is unfloding from his be-ing…. all quite lawfully and simply. However, I’ll admit feeling guided and tethered is quite an awesome trip and I want it. But I’m accepting the journey as it is right now.

Blake

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“The ocean is unfazed by external circumstances” – Radhanath Swami

Imagine if your heart and soul was an ocean limitless of love and compassion. Imagine being that ocean and then getting angry and stressed out, or resentful and full of vitriol. The two are incompatible. That anger has no place to land.

The ocean is unfazed by heavy rainfall, rivers, storms or even human arrogance. It is so massive that stays in its natural state as a constantly moving body of water. So similarly, can we stay in a state of an ocean of love? Somewhere along the way we lost sight that our natural condition as human beings can be that god consciousness filled love.

In our society we have become so accustomed to having “issues.” Our intellectual standard has risen considerably in the modern age that we’ve gotten used to be really dwelling on our “stuff.” It even goes beyond that. We love our stuff, we love our issues, we love our neurosis to the point that they have become core attributes of our personality – “oh he’s cool. but he’s a workaholic. always stressed out.”

On the other hand, it appears to me that we haven’t become accustomed to dwell on love. Yes, we fall in love in a romantic way but we don’t act with love in all of our affairs. It’s just not taught in the West. In fact, I can’t remember a single school teacher who ever said to me “love everyone and everything you do. “

Of course the contract for being human is that we do get blessed with a sea of emotions. It’s great to cry when we feel sad and to open up and speak honestly when we feel hurt. It’s wonderful to be in touch with the finely tuned human bio computer. Being in touch with our sensitive touch points still can’t escape the fact that finding our way back to joy and love as quickly as possible is gods will. If the kingdom of heaven is within us, as us, then surely than kingdom must be one of joy.

I didn’t know Maharaji-ji in his body but I doubt that he was stressed out about how the temple rent was going to be paid or if he was going to be late for some task. He was beyond that. Being in that ocean of his love made all the other stuff sort of fade away.

Can you imagine if your guru said to you “your dharma is be full of stress and worry. and that is the kingdom of heaven.” No spiritual tradition of any kind has ever put forth that notion. That manifestation of negativity in life comes from our egos because being in joy and beauty is truly our biggest fear and also happens to be the toughest thing to accomplish. (insert Marianne Williamson quote here)

“And you realize that every moment you are a full statement of your being. and you’re sending out vibrations that are affecting everything around you.” Page 27

These pages go on to suggest that we have a huge hand in creating our own reality. By shaping our thoughts and intentions we can choose to live in love. I’m finding out that I have much more of a choice than I ever really thought. My struggles can be minimized if I stay active in this practice.

One of my favorite passages in any spiritual text is found on page 28: “You can only protest effectively when you love the person whose ideas you are protesting against as much as you love yourself.”

That is so beautiful. That’s the essence of this whole trip – even in conflict you must love your way through it. That’s the only dance there is!

If I can remember that one simple idea and apply to every point of conflict facing the outside and apply it to the war inside I’ll be much better off.

Ram ram ram…

Positive vibrations. I feel in love but a little out of sorts today as I write this. Wishing I could just post a song as my blog post – can I do that? are there any rules here?

Looking forward to my brothers and sisters words this week, they’ve been so good!