Ram Dass Now

ALWAYS THERE

Question is :

can you see it? pg 102

I was suddenly fascinated by it and couldn’t understand why all of the people in the cars around me and walking the sidewalks weren’t  showing signs of the jaw dropping awe I was feeling.

“Look! Look! “I wanted to yell! “Isn’t it incredible?”

Then I really saw what was going on. They were me. I was seeing how often I walk and drive through  my days oblivious to the the opportunities to move into that place of wonder and awe and gratitude….and yet, it is always there.

I sort of forget about it…although less and less these days . But when by Grace I take notice of those always-there moments…the soft-glow moon, a delicate, intricate  tangle of tree branches silhouetted against a night sky, the warm, compassionate eyes of  an elderly lady when I dropped my coffee while rushing out a door, an unsolicited hug from my son… if I notice, then I am transformed. Taken from the mundane to the magical, from unconsciousness to awareness and gratitude, from my head to my heart.

It’s that way for me as I walk this path of devotion. I can forget sometimes to remember.

love-serve-remember …a simple path to peace.

So even though I never sat in the heavy heat of an ashram courtyard in India chanting and holding  Maharaj-ji’s sun-baked feet in my hands and I didn’t ride on that bus full of love deciding where to look for him only to discover that there was never anything to decide……I don’t have to be there to go there…It is just always here. The love is always right where I am.

I am deeply grateful to all of those who did spend time with Maharaj-ji and brought back the stories and experiences  and that they so generously share . …And the love.

I lose myself in that love. It feels to me like the “limitless, undying love that shines around me like a million suns “ that John Lennon sings of in my favorite Beatles song Across the Universe. And it …”calls me on and on”.

I have no explanation for this sweet flow of love I am opened to by my connection and devotion to a man I never met and who never told anyone to do anything. I only know that he is always there.

I feel it. I know it. I am forever grateful.

JAI GURU DEV

I also love the final image of the sacred 108 pages. The bridge serves us when we need to cross what seems to be a flowing obstacle; it helps us remember when we pause on it to look at our reflection; it helps us to love when we use it to cross over to the people who wait for us on the other side. It’s the perfect image for the final page of BHN’s From Bindu to Ojas~Ram Dass saw the bridge, paused on the bridge, and crossed over it. He does it again from Be Here Now to Be Love Now.

And with a reflection, you’re looking down at the illusion of yourself, and identify with it; but it’s not you, it’s just a reflection. Right? Depends on how you look at it: what you see IS you (the reflections, the water itself, etc)  vs it’s your brain separating you from the water that has your reflection in it. The simpler way is usually pretty good. So, both. I go with both.

I’ve had only one picture in mind during these 108 days, and I knew I was going to show it on the final blogging day because it’s my version of the bridge on 108. I took this picture in the Fall of 2008 in Austin, Tx.  This old fisherman sat patiently floating in the middle of the reflection simply waiting for fish. Then he came to rest in the eye of what the reflection completed as a fish that reminded me of the Christian Ichthys. I was stunned. He WAS both the reflection, and himself at the same time; reflected and reflection.  I was immediately taken back to this final page of BHN when I saw the image.

Ram Dass has given us a bridge; just as Maharajji gave to him; Just as Hanuman bridged the ocean with a great leap to serve God and the beloved. I am grateful to have participated in this blogging experience, and am more assured that while I am still on my bridge, that I can enjoy my reflections as I move to the other side in each moment as it presents itself.

Namaste’
Jon

Icthys Eye - Fisherman rests in the eye of the Icthys

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If someone clings too much to me in a relationship, I start to feel my freedom compromised, and I begin to distance myself emotionally. It’s happened before. And I am usually aware of it and feel guilty about it. This is why it’s understandable that my girlfriend has been doing the same with me recently. I have been very attracted tothe idea of being with her as much as possible and not sensing her needs to be herself apart from me. And I have been aware of it but can’t stop it or control it… with my mind.

I have found myself in this wonderful new relationship with a person that could only have come my way out of grace. I find her more beautiful physically than anyone on the planet. All her parts, sync up with all the pleasure centers of my brain. I have more activities in common with her than I have ever had with anybody (friend, girlfriend or relative). She loves me. We both want to be with each other for a long time. However, without my realizing it, I became very attached to the prospect of keeping these pleasure centers constantly clicking, so that I could make that “long time” a reality. So as my daily focus came to her for inspiration, assurance, and validation, the other aspects of my life started to fall away. Teaching yoga became a chore. So did my radio show. So did my volunteer work. I didn’t think it was related to how much mental energy I was giving to my attachment.

She started to distance herself consciously and unconsciously, even sadly developing an slight unexplainable depression. She wasn’t getting the space and freedom she needed. And I was blinded by my own neediness. I broke down in tears the moment I revealed to myself and her that I don’t trust in intimacy. Because at moment, though I had never emotionally pieced it together, my parents’ divorce at age 1 flashed into my mind. I’ve never felt solid towards an intimate relationship. I have never trusted a relationship, I guess. I couldn’t trust being apart. (I’m also having the hardest time allowing my new dog Veda offleash…no trust…but she’s also a dog).

That gave me some distance from it thankfully. And allowed me to feel a root, a reason behind my unconscious behavior. I never understood relationships. I am learning how to trust now. It’s only just begun. Can we be apart and feel grounded and in trust and in love? Sure it’s totally possible. Carin, I don’t know how it works across the world, but I’m wishing you strength and inner-love.

And then I sat for my first meditation in a while. After 30 minutes of fighting against thinking about my relationship and eventually letting myself THINK about it, it came to me. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, feeling exactly how I am supposed to feel. Being guided. Unfolding lawfully. And then I realized, it was the first time I connected to God and guru deeply for the past two months. You can probably smell the apathy in some of my previous posts.

The desire had brought me to believe I was the creator of my own plentiful or abject destiny. That I was in control. And it was such a seductive thought. So seductive that it brought me out of the work I had been doing for a while. So seductive that it made me less of “me” and more aligned with my desire than anything else. I love the person I am with dearly. She makes my heart light when I’m not coming from a desperate place. She is an angel to me and I am learning how to love and be loved, and it is completely different than I thought it should be. Trust.

When I was a young child I used to hide in my room for hours and hours playing video games. I would find so much pleasure in disconnecting from the rest of the world just so I could hide in that beautiful digital fantasy. Completing one level after another only to complete the game and then start another.

In and of itself video games are fun and actually quite healthy. But as I grew older I realized that the way in which I played video games was really a symptom of not being comfortable in the moment. I would play games to avoid doing my homework and to be alone. I had so much fun even while I let my responsibilities crumble around me. Anything to get me out of the here and now. There’s the old saying “wherever you go, there you are.” That’s true unless you keep your world is made fantasy where you’re a wizard or a little Italian guy with a big mustache.

As I grew up I continued to have problems in the here and now, in just being. All sorts of manifestations of that came up, some of which I’ve touched on in previous posts. The tough part about trying to escape from yourself is that you never can, you just keep running and running. Right? Why? Because “wherever you go…”. The only thing you can do is to stop and bear witness and surrender to the now. Nothing is anybody’s fault, there’s no one to blame and nowhere to run, everything that’s ever happened has led us to now. And it’s perfect.

For the last 40 years Ram Dass has given us simple yet profound instruction on finding bliss in each moment, by simply being “here now” we have the potential to make each moment into an experience of enlightenment. Each moment is a gorgeous gift of Gods and can be perfect no matter the circumstances. Even as faith lingers, Gods love does not. Now it seems that Ram Dass has taken it even a step further, the little rascal. “Be Love Now!” It’s no wonder that Hanuman is the patron saint of this practice, Ram Dass (and by all accounts Maharaji-ji) is such a little prankster monkey. So sweet, kind, full of devotion yet always challenging us with little pranks that are fun to toy with.

“Be Love Now”. Really? All the time? Try saying that in the middle of L.A. traffic! It’s a prank – just being here here here, right now – loving now now now. Just love, all the time.

I have yet to read the new book but I can tell that it’s Ram Dass at his best. RD and Ramesshwar Das have embarked on a journey that will no doubt share wisdom and love that will inspire us all.

We’re almost finished with our 108 pages of Be Here Now. Almost. “Nobody is going anywhere” (pg 81). That’s the best part. “We’re always going to be here” doing our dance. Living our Rasa Lila. Which reminds me – I’d love someone to write about living their Rasa Lila in the Kali Yuga, how much fun is that?

Anyway, as I continue to dance my divine dance I have a new goal this week. It’s to see everyone as a divine dance partner. Even when I’m furiously impatient in line at Starbucks or at those opposing Proposition 19, I want to dance with them. And I’ve started to realize that I can even have fun with it! I can make life into a love filled video game. Wonderful. “Going back into the world” (pg 82) is a good step indeed.

But maybe I should play a few games of “Angry Birds” on the iPad too.

The Rasa Lila - the Divine Dance of Life

“Those of little faith need long fingernails and long hair to believe it’s happening” (P 73)

And what’s wrong with that? We’ve been going round about how it’s all the same stuff, and about how it’s ok to be right where you are at, including if you feel like you need proof; it’s just where you are on your path . . . it’s no better to be 4 yrs old than it is to be 40 yrs old, it’s just where you’re at. So “Lest ye see miracles ye will not believe”? Ok, then show me miracles–and I don’t mean the miracle of how the fertilized egg ‘knows’ how to split into various body parts–I’m talking about a physical reality that cannot be explained by science, slight of hand, or any other parlor trick. Let me see somebody levitate while standing in a random field (vs in an environment where there could be hidden devices to create the illusion).

I refuse to lie about what I believe, what I have experienced. I refuse to fake faith. I will not engage in the very fraud that I get all self-righteous about.

I asked up above ‘So what’s wrong with that?’ . . . And the answer is, Ram Dass didn’t say there is anything wrong with that. Nor did Jesus. They just stated that folks who believe without seeing are in a different place. It was me (and maybe you, too) who added the judgment. It was me who assumed that they wanted me to believe in magic; it was me who projected my own fears,  doubts and judgments into their messages. And if neat tricks help people move towards lovingkindness, then so be it. Am I the one to sit in judgment? Nope; well, except to the degree that I do.

I have prayed to God, Jesus, and Mary, I’ve asked Maharajji, Buddha and Krishna, and even my Papa to grace me with something to break down my own wall of doubt–to the point of sincerely crying from hunger to simply believe without seeing. . . and I still doubt, it’s just where I’m at. So for all of you who may secretly doubt, but don’t want to seem like a ‘bad Christian’ or a ‘unfaithful devotee’ I say, you are not alone. Allow your doubts to exist if they are already there. Never deprive yourself of sacred honesty. My best understanding is that if you deny your reality, then it will persist until you come to terms with it. With you, I pray for a deeper faith that doesn’t need to bother with proof or lack thereof. Just to love and to be loved. Until then, I’ll meditate and be honest with my fellow travelers. Namaste’

Jon

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All of the major religions proclaim “the kingdom of heaven is within”, that’s a generally accepted point of view. Everything you’re looking for is already within you and that you really don’t have to look anywhere else but inside. Here we say “you are the guru.”

There’s a wonderful little realization of the infinite truth that I get from these pages (64-70), that isn’t really said rather it is implied over and over again.

So if you are the guru and the guru is infinite blissful love then first you must love yourself before you can love others. That’s it. If inside, we are truly “sat chit ananda” then there is no other option. To me it’s a very simple yet powerful thought. Am I over simplifying it? I don’t think so.

I’ve spent many years feeling unworthy of love and very much unworthy of self acceptance. I could never get over some of my past actions or my current thoughts. “Gosh, I think such terrible defect-oriented thoughts that I mustn’t be pure.” Or, “I used to do terrible things to get more drugs so I must be broken and corrupt.” Not too much different than how RD must have felt when we saw Maharaj-ji after having wild sexual thoughts that he was sure Baba knew about (pg 68). I’ve learned that all of my thoughts and feelings make up who I am and they all are perfect. I’ve been reminded many times to not live in the past and to love who I am right now.

So, if the guru’s love is inside of me then what greater order do I have than to shine it on myself first. The soul is full of bliss anyway, ananda. Using the idea of the guru to me is like what we talked about last week – he or she can be used as a vibrational reminder in the physical plane. It’s not idolatry – it’s just using the guru’s physical self to remind us of the unphysical. The merging of the understanding that God is both impersonal and personal.

But how I do I take that ananda, that infinite love, with me all the time? I may have written about it in a previous post but I do find the trick is to practice these ideas all of the time, in every situation. It’s easier to be be “here in love” when things are going well. The real test and connection to Godlovehead is when things appear to be difficult. Resentment, anger, shame, death, hurt feelings, sadness, loneliness – all of life’s heartaches provide so much room to practice yet are so powerful that it becomes very challenging. How can I use the gurus infinite love when I’m full of seething resentment? When my ego is bruised and I want things to go my way how do I compassionately love my way to gratitude? I wish I knew more about this. That’s where I’m at in my process and this book is helping me through it.

To be continued as I continue to explore within and without…

Sitting on my porch, I can imagine the new skin under the old–I can imagine it peeling away in one smooth motion. I can see the successes, etc. All of the ideas and other play things of the ego.

I have great ideas, full of potential, lots of vivid, actionable details, when I’m sitting on the porch. Oh, the details of it all. . . it’s fun on the porch, overwhelming  in real life if I don’t keep up. Must keep up with it all. Gotta rip the skin off the snake to get there faster!

Oh wait, that doesn’t work. But neither does not doing what is necessary to accomplish a particular goal.  So the snake doesn’t just sit there and the skin falls away (pg 57) . . . they wiggle through branches and other rough stuff and it falls away as it’s ready, but not before, and nobody can push the snake to move. The new skin’s gotta be ready to let go of the old. That sounds familiar.

So again, I see permission to just be where we’re at, without messing around too much with judgment of where things are at . . . and balanced with intentional action that helps shed away layers (of the snake, or the onion on page 58). I wonder if that Tapasia fire burns the old skin away? I’m guessing so—it’s another example of it’s all the same thing, especially when you’re in the now with it.

So what to do while the skin is still clinging on (or our ego clinging to the old skin)? I think there’s lots of ideas: sit still and breathe, find something to love, experience real gratitude, compassion, practice karma yoga . . . and yes, sitting still is still doing something to help moulting—it IS rubbing up against something rough enough to clean off the old; try just breathing and sitting still for 10 minutes and see—the ‘ants in the pants’ feeling, or intrusive thoughts? All branches that help us moult. Already get a calm, present feeling of the now? Great! Then moulting is happening already—we have plenty of layers to watch peel back, so there’s no hurry on this one. Just love the beloved until the two are one—Bhakti. So is waiting for the moulting to moult Bhakti?

I feel like if anybody can read about this, and feel a little moment of peace . . . even just a brief silence, an empty space is opened where we can feel love. And that space grows at the pace it grows—we can relax and unfold while finding love in whatever walk past. I think Maharajji wants us all to find love. Simply find love, or Be Love Now (….until  you and the beloved become one). When we’re so full of love that our skin can no longer contain us? We moult.

I am grateful that I can be brave and creative on my porch, and expand that courage and creativity in whatever time it takes (this blog is part of that expansion for me). I like the idea of moving around to ‘encourage’ the layers to be dropped—to invite transformation though intentional action and meditation (invite it, not force it). This blog is one of the branches that I’m brushing against. I’m thankful for this place.

Another James Taylor line that I love:

“The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time”

Learning to enjoy the passage of time takes moulting. We uncover this secret through lovingkindness for ourselves, and all around us.

Namaste’

Jon

PS 10 minutes after I posted the above: I want to share with y’all some of the transformations that happen for me real-time.  I woke up with a sore throat (allergies) and a bit of a headache–not in super soft place. After I slowed down, read BHN a little, then moved beyond the discomfort to post from heart, all of a sudden (no kidding) I’m walking around whistling/singing “All you need is Love.” Once I became aware of this, I perked up and realized that the headache was gone, and the throat is still sore, but not bad enough to keep me from singing. I really am loving this experience!! Thank you.

Still,
Jon

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Disclaimer – I really have no idea how bhatki works. I’m just figuring it out like the wayward pilgrim I am. But I believe what page 63 tells me “The Way Bhakti Works – you just love until you and the beloved become one.”

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with Maharaj-ji. Trying to really analyze it. Trying to figure out what can’t really be figured out. Trying to figure out how I ended up here. I was born the year he left his body, so obviously I didn’t know him personally. I didn’t see the little old man in the blanket or have him pat me on the head. Yet, I can feel something tangible when I think about how I know him. Like most devotees I keep pictures of him in a few places that commonly cross my eyes. Doing so provides me with a vibrational opportunity to grow along spiritual lines that are rooted in love. For reasons I’m still not entirely sure of, he is direct vibrational access to unconditional love. When I look at a picture of Maharaj-ji the first thought that pops into my mind is “love, serve, remember.” It’s as if he’s telling me to make every action an opportunity to practice sadhana. Every conversation can be an opportunity to connect, every drive through LA in traffic can be an opportunity to be more patient and forgiving, every task performed at work can be an opportunity to be grateful for all of Gods abundance.

For me the relationship is based on something like a “level of consciousness, a frequency of vibration, a connection to another plane.” (pg 62). That’s perfect because…it’s funny, I don’t really want anything from Maharaj-ji. I’m constantly dumbfounded that my love for the guru is so based in vibrational love. I don’t ask for things, I don’t pray for specific revelations. I just sit back and let the powerful metaphor of his life envelop me in a place of loving awareness that gives me a chance to be free. It’s amazing when it works and juicy when it doesn’t! The big a ha moments come when I get in the way of the grace and act out of ego. It’s so clear when things are out of sync.

I was raised an intellectual. I was taught that the power to change my circumstances was through a well planned intellectual road map that when well executed would land me in a better place. That understanding the ins and outs of my mind was alone enough to give me liberation. So, this whole business of just loving everyone, simply and purely, sometimes makes no sense whatsoever. Add on this whole idea of loving this little old man in a blanket I never met is even more comical. Here I am at age 37 worshiping Hanuman and Lord Krishna! Me??! How did that happen?

What happened for me was that my game ran out. All of my ins and outs, all of my plotting and planning just stopped working. Once I felt what it was like to be unconditionally loved and cosmically understood I knew there was no other way. Sound familiar?

I am a witness to how Neem Karoli Babas grace is being passed on to the next generation. It may be arrogant of me to say, but I feel that the next generation of devotees really gets to taste the nectar of his teachings. I don’t have the nostalgia of once knowing him or the pain of once losing him. I just have the simple message of how bhakti works. That’s more than enough.

I really enjoy reading page 52. The visual images are really simple and capture so much. If I imagine Ram Dass telling me what he means for me with this page, I picture either him looking at me with a grin waiting for me to finish my verbal thought train, and/or him saying:

Relax man. You may feel important, and like the rest of us, you are, but just not in the way you thoughts have you thinking that you are. Remember that being attached to anything, including the role of helper or lover, etc., creates suffering, which means more time here to work through it. But you do that because you love the Divine Mother; that total embodiment of all experiences —your greedy pursuit (attachment) of that perfect affection/resonance that totally reflects you, paradoxically keeps you all locked up, away from your transformative fire; you stay stuck in the role of ‘experiencer’. . . all so that you can sit with that amazing lover a little longer.  Whenever you’re ready . . . to re-union with her very essence, instead of being distracted by her trinkets . . . then things will happen in a really cool way.

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“As long as we’re greedy for experience we’re going to be around for quite a while . . . “

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You’re here to go on whatever trip you need in order to find your courage to face your fire (the crisp trip, Tapasia), then get what you need from the greed trip, then move on. But no rush.

And all of these ‘fires/lessons’ are but specks on the beauty of the Divine Mother, who is waiting for you right here  . . . Gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhisvaha om

I realized as I was writing this that it’s completely Ok for me to ‘want’ to hang around here and bask in her light. It’s Ok to have that greedy longing to love the essence that reflects me (and all else) so well. James Taylor sings:

Whenever you’re ready
You could see a dream come true
Whenever you’re ready
I’m just saying it’s up to you
Whenever you’re ready
Things could start looking up
Whenever you’re ready
Take a big sip from the loving cup

So, whenever you’re ready to release attachment to the Divine Mother, you’ll finally be at one with her, drinking tea from the loving cup.

Namaste’

Jon

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Sometimes I feel that what is going on in my life is decided by the pages I am reading in Be Here Now for the week. This week is one of those weeks.

I have been feeling completely inadequate as a mother. Having two little balls of love is so much different than just one. When I had only one baby, I could devote all of my time and energy to him. Now, I must split it. This leaves me with feelings of never giving each one the love that I want to, or the attention they deserve. My mind is constantly going in a million directions to try and meet the needs of the both of them.

That’s the paradox. By thinking so hard and worrying so much about how to give enough to each child, I am neglecting what it is that they really need. The only thing my children need from me is my “here and now-ness”. When my mind is too busy rushing about, I am in no state be a good mother.

After putting my 2 year old down for a nap, I plopped myself on our couch with my 2 month old. I leaned him up on the couch so we could see each other. As he was gazing with his deep blue eyes into mine, I was contemplating what to do about this weeks post, and worrying about not getting time to write. How was I supposed to write anything? I am so exhausted I can’t even think of what to do for dinner, let alone think of something to write. I can’t write while Canyon is awake, I need to spend some eye gazing time with him while his brother is sleeping. This is special time.

Then, I woke up for a moment.

Special? How special can it be if all I am doing is thinking about other things? So I stopped, and looked deep into the windows of Canyon’s soul.  When it clicked, my eyes filled with tears. Canyon was all smiles. This is all he wants. This is all Clavey (my 2 year old) wants, too. For me to be with them, in the moment. They are always in the moment. Surrendering to the flow. I need to meet them there. They are here to show me the way, I just need to follow them to that special place. That’s the place where the magic happens. Or is it this place? Either way, I want to be there, or here.

When I am able to fully be here now with my children, the feelings of inadequacy completely dissolve. The moment becomes perfect. Sure, my baby may be crying as I am patiently trying to let Clavey put his own shoes on (which he cannot do, but if he thinks I help him in any way, all hell breaks loose, so this ends up taking a while). But if I am helping Clavey while stressing about Canyon, I really am not helping Clavey, or Canyon, or anyone for that matter. I am outside the moment. So when I am with Clavey, I am with Clavey. And when I am with Canyon, I am not worrying about ignoring Clavey. I am fully with him. And boy does it feel amazing!

This week, I wrote on the little whiteboard we have on our refrigerator “WORK ON YOURSELF”.

It has been a rough week with my husband gone on a fire, and it shows in my parenting. So now, every time I get my stuff hit, I treat the situation like a mirror in which all the things that I need to work on are being reflected back to me. Clavey smears butter all over the counter : I need to work on patience. That, and my sense of humor. I get uptight when Clavey wakes up for the 6^th time at night to nurse : I need to get my calm center going. Once I can treat each situation like this, I can feel so much within me shift. I also realize how much I need to work on!

Sitting here now, Canyon asleep in my arms (yes, I have to type with one hand), I feel a surge of energy rush through my body. I know that right now, this moment is enough. In that knowing, my energy centers open, the blockages cleared. It may be a fleeting moment, sucked up by some worry or another, but it will be back. The more I work on it, the more often it will return. Until some day, it will stay.  And when it stays, I will be gone.

Namaste’