I’m thinking tonight about what it was and when it happened. The event in my life that forbid my “premature closing of accounts with reality” (p 17).
I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have a sense that there was another layer of existence that I could feel but not see…sense but not know.
As a young child kneeling beside my bed every night I would pray….”Now I lay me down to sleep…..if I should live for other days, I pray thee Lord to guide my way.” A taste of sweet surrender.
That ritual of devotion and surrender would shift my consciousness into a receptive state and spirit would flow in as I moved out of my head and into my heart. In that heart space I’d crawl into bed and float from my normal waking consciousness into another way of being. I have distinct memories of feeling the release from my body and a deep peace…and also that I was in the presence of complete love. I don’t know how else to describe it. It felt like where I belonged . Where I belong. Home.
Those early moments of grace and other similar heart-expansive, fulfilled moments touched that place of “intuitive validity” (pg.16 )and set me on a path to seeking ways to be in that space again and again. I was drawn to people who created experiences through music or words that brought me there. They were like sherpas with radiant smiles…ready and willing to help guide the way with reverence and joy. And so there’d be more experiences of being in the bhav…so good….but fleeting.
In the writings of saints and realized beings I would find validity and affirmation of the experiences. Those writings would help me feel less crazy. But I still felt I was missing something.
I was looking outside of myself . The paradox was that I was trying to get somewhere but there was/is nowhere to go– I just need to be here now. And there’s nothing to figure out.
I’m not sure why getting high with psychedelics never looked like a method of exploring for me. Many of the people I’ve looked to along the way and have resonated with strongly started there. But for me it has been meditation,yoga,chant and love that have been peeling back the layers. And there’s been a strange magic in the opening to other realities that those layers reveal. When I let go of my agenda, trust the flow of grace and keep my heart open, the way opens up. It is right there inside of me.
Chanting in a room full of people with Krishna Das or surrendering into a posture alone on my yoga mat , I can feel that same sense of being where I belong that I felt as a child. Moving out of my head and into my heart.
I am so in awe of this life I’m living and blown away by the support of beings near and far. And still…I feel crazy, but happy.
Jai Neem Karoli Baba!