If someone clings too much to me in a relationship, I start to feel my freedom compromised, and I begin to distance myself emotionally. It’s happened before. And I am usually aware of it and feel guilty about it. This is why it’s understandable that my girlfriend has been doing the same with me recently. I have been very attracted tothe idea of being with her as much as possible and not sensing her needs to be herself apart from me. And I have been aware of it but can’t stop it or control it… with my mind.
I have found myself in this wonderful new relationship with a person that could only have come my way out of grace. I find her more beautiful physically than anyone on the planet. All her parts, sync up with all the pleasure centers of my brain. I have more activities in common with her than I have ever had with anybody (friend, girlfriend or relative). She loves me. We both want to be with each other for a long time. However, without my realizing it, I became very attached to the prospect of keeping these pleasure centers constantly clicking, so that I could make that “long time” a reality. So as my daily focus came to her for inspiration, assurance, and validation, the other aspects of my life started to fall away. Teaching yoga became a chore. So did my radio show. So did my volunteer work. I didn’t think it was related to how much mental energy I was giving to my attachment.
She started to distance herself consciously and unconsciously, even sadly developing an slight unexplainable depression. She wasn’t getting the space and freedom she needed. And I was blinded by my own neediness. I broke down in tears the moment I revealed to myself and her that I don’t trust in intimacy. Because at moment, though I had never emotionally pieced it together, my parents’ divorce at age 1 flashed into my mind. I’ve never felt solid towards an intimate relationship. I have never trusted a relationship, I guess. I couldn’t trust being apart. (I’m also having the hardest time allowing my new dog Veda offleash…no trust…but she’s also a dog).
That gave me some distance from it thankfully. And allowed me to feel a root, a reason behind my unconscious behavior. I never understood relationships. I am learning how to trust now. It’s only just begun. Can we be apart and feel grounded and in trust and in love? Sure it’s totally possible. Carin, I don’t know how it works across the world, but I’m wishing you strength and inner-love.
And then I sat for my first meditation in a while. After 30 minutes of fighting against thinking about my relationship and eventually letting myself THINK about it, it came to me. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, feeling exactly how I am supposed to feel. Being guided. Unfolding lawfully. And then I realized, it was the first time I connected to God and guru deeply for the past two months. You can probably smell the apathy in some of my previous posts.
The desire had brought me to believe I was the creator of my own plentiful or abject destiny. That I was in control. And it was such a seductive thought. So seductive that it brought me out of the work I had been doing for a while. So seductive that it made me less of “me” and more aligned with my desire than anything else. I love the person I am with dearly. She makes my heart light when I’m not coming from a desperate place. She is an angel to me and I am learning how to love and be loved, and it is completely different than I thought it should be. Trust.