Ram Dass Now

Yesterday, I broke down, emotionally speaking. During this “breakdown”, it felt as if I was being thrashed around by my emotions in the midst of an enormous tornado. So many thoughts…such fear! My thinking mind was resisting the Now so much that it had nothing to do but snap, cave in. So I snapped. Then, it was

Quiet

“Hold fast enough to quietness” p 94

I feel filled with this deep quiet peace now. Prior to this, I felt that I just could not talk enough about all these things going on in my life to others. Chatterbox. Constantly trying to gain ground with my words, only to find myself running up a steep hill covered in thick mud, sliding back as I desperately try to propel myself forward.

It is hard to put into words a wordless state.

Similarly, I used to try so hard to turn others on to the Now. I wanted to “run down the streets, shouting- spreading the good news” (p 97). Now, I am learning to “watch it” (p 97). They will hear the message when they are ready to hear the message, right?

I share my Be Here Now book with my 2 year old. He likes the imagery. I think a part of him feels the high vibrations of the book. Nonetheless, this sharing has caused the cover to be stripped off, the new cover now being the page with the labyrinth picture. As I sat on the couch, thinking about the reading for the week, this picture just sat there next to me. I began to stare at it. It has been the cover for quite some time now, but I have never really contemplated it. I realized how similar this little finger labyrinth is to life. I slowly traced it with my finger. There were moments when I thought I was getting closer to the center, to the Om, only to be directed away from it the next. Also, if my eyes moved ahead of the point where my fingers were at, it looked like I was on the wrong path. It made it look like I should move my finger to another spot. Only when I focused my attention on the exact point where I was did I know that that was where I belonged. The rest was just an illusion.

It’s all an illusion (p 92)

This brings me full circle. Back to my life situation. My life situation is not my Life. I have created this dramatic life situation. All the fear, stress, sadness…it is all made up! The moment is being tainted by my mind made problems. Right now, everything is perfect. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, only be here now. That is where I find my quiet place. The future and the past are too noisy in my mind. Too thick of a screen. Such distortion. This moment is where the clarity is at.

As I take a deep breath into this moment, I find space in my heart. This space is healing. In this open heart space, the desire to find solace in some imagined future situations falls away. I find myself not necessarily happy with my life situation, but content. This, after all, is the only way it could be. So here I am, chopping wood and carrying water. Learning to watch myself. Content with the is-ness of it all.

I am at the market, getting food for dinner. I have my 2 year old in the cart, and I am wearing my 8 week old in a front pack. My 8 week old starts crying…he wants to nurse… but I need to get food!..he gets more upset…my 2 year old keeps telling me Canyon (my baby) is sad…I know!..I try to go faster, and faster…I am getting sweaty, he is NOT happy. As I walk, trying to rock him back and forth while I move forward at the same time, I think about Coby, and the story on page 24.

I stop.

As I look into my baby’s eyes, I see him for the first time since we have been in the store. Not in terms of seeing with my eyes, but seeing with my heart. He starts to calm down as I calm myself down. His look of total innocence takes any cover I had over my heart and rips it right off. I leave the store, not getting half the things I had intended to get. But it does not matter. Staying in there was costing way too much! And not in terms of money.

As Canyon was crying, I kept telling him that it was ok, that I loved him. When I decided to stop and REALLY look at him, when he stopped crying, I said the same exact thing. Why did he not stop crying before? The words were the same. Well, it is simple. He was picking up on my vibrations. He could care less what I said. My stress was directly absorbed into his being, and when I was able to stop and calm my mind, he did so as well.

So often, I feel as though I need to use words to express myself. I was with a friend today, and she was telling me about a tragic incident that had happened to her. I felt such compassion towards her. It seemed like nothing I was saying to her could relate this feeling back to her. It was frustrating. I really wanted her to know how much love and empathy I was feeling. But nothing could…quite…you know how it is. Then I just looked at her in her eyes for a while, and that was it. She finally felt it. Again, it wasn’t in the words, it was in the vibrations.

As a side note, in honor of something I said in my last post (not living my life to be who others want me to be anymore), I decided to stop shaving. I have never liked shaving! Take that society!

It is so wonderful being here now with y’all. I hope you can feel my love, because I am not about to try and explain it.